A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day.
He wasn’t happy.
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
Whenever fall arrives, leaves start changing their color autumn-matically.
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs mark the spot.
I hate it when planes don't have free WiFi.
It drives me bored air line crazy.
Interesting fact: A nectarine can also be a peach if it does not have peach fuzz.
This very fair weather actually makes me feel like a feather!
An ig is just a snow house without a loo!
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.
Why didn’t the horse buy a house?
The costs were mounting.
Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.
Prince Charles is selling his towel.
If anybody wants a heir dryer...
"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.
Where do you take a sick hornet?
To the waspital.
Where did the garlic clove go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
How do comedians like their eggs?
Funny side up.
Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions
One day I saw a squirrel burying lotto tickets under a large bush, so I asked him what he was doing.
He told me he was hedging his bets.
In Mexico, truck drivers always keep a wheel of cheese in their cabs. Apparently this is in queso emergencies.
Why does the rabbit bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper.
Why are seabirds so lucky in love?
Because one good tern always deserves another.
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
Have you heard about the guys who stole a truck full of broccoli and cauliflower? They had to really floret to get away.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
I keep thinking I'll make breakfast pancakes, but I end up waffling.
What did the witch say to people who visited her house?
Come sit for a spell!
The snow leopard appeared just at the time our guide predicted it. It appeared white on time!
Autumn brings re-leaf from the heat.
What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
Easter is grammatically incorrect.
We should say more east.
Elves usually make fantastic listeners since they happen to be all ears.
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
People gave the sun a rating.
It was only one star.
Why do pirates not know the alphabet?
Because they always get Lost at C (Sea).
A classically trainer theater performer just became a spy.
I guess you could say they perform... thespionage
I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
Q: Why is it so windy in England?
A: Because Harry Kane (hurricane) lives there..
Oh buoy – we’re having a splash bash!
What do you call friends with airpods in their ears
Earbuds.
Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...
Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
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