If you ride your bike twice a day, is that recycling?
Whatever floats your goat.
Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog.
Did you hear about the flower who never bloomed?
It was a bud omen.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.
"You might not carrot all, but you're irresistible."
Who’s a llama’s favorite composer?
Wolfgang Llamadeus Mozart.
Why are tigers said to be religious? Because they frequently prey with all their family members.
I've just thought of a really funny owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
I ate the exam paper
Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test
You can always find the little cows eating lunch inside the calf-etiria.
What is the smallest onion known as? It is known as an electronion.
What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
You’re the queen of my heart.
My DJ friend took my advice and simplified his salad recipe.
he dropped the beet.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
Snow on and snow forth.
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
Q. What did the computer say to the cookie?
A. "Can I have your chocolate chip?"
Why do ice cream cones make such bad athletes?
They always get licked.
Is your nickname cream cheese? Because you’re about to get bageled.
What's the opposite of an elephant?
An eleph-antonym.
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw!
We should've guessed the failed postman wouldn't be any better at delivering his acting lines.
Don’t moss around.
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle.
How does a car begin telling you bad news?
‘I hate to brake it to you…’
I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.
Basketball players at times get athletes foot. Come to think of it, it is like the missle toe astronauts get.
Which dinosaur slept all day ? The dino-snore!
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
Q: Why was the cloud so dark and stormy?
A: It was feeling mis-thunder-stood.
What do you call a melon that commits a crime?
“A water-fellon!”
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppies.
I can’t believe I framed the ball in for a winner. Shank you!
What did Snoop Dog need to get an umbrella?
Fo’ Drizzle.
I'm giving away my legless parrot, no perches necessary!
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
A french farmer who owned an olive plantation had a huge fire
He was extremely sad, he had lost his all his huile d'olive.
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
Why aren’t trees competitive sports fans? They like to root for everyone.
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