What do you call a polar bear in Florida?
A solar bear.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
What do you call a goblin brigand?
A robgoblin.
Local weather reports state there won't be any rain for 1 year, but I drought it.
Spent the whole day running around dressed as a zombie. I’m dead on my feet.
I have a heart-on for you.
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
What do you call a skeleton who hangs out in coffee shops and listens to indie music?
A hip-ster.
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
Well, there are mixed reviews. People say the food is great. But there is no atmosphere or ambience.
My gay lover asked me if date night was optional.
I said no, it's a mandate
“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.
Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.
Why didn’t the skeleton rob the bank?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.
The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.
What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.
Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
He was getting sweepy
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Genoa bout the bridge collapse in Italy?
Ah well, we won't go over it then.
Q. What did Ena say after Bambi was killed by a semi truck?
A. He will be dearly missed.
What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.
They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.
What is a car’s favourite fashion accessory?
A clutch bag.
Why don’t dogs bark at their feet?
It isn’t polite to talk back to your paw.
What’s a Movers favorite football team?
The Packers!
English can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
I heard that a truck carrying Scrabble tiles has just overturned… Well, that’s the word on the street, anyway.
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
Biology - It grows on you.
Why did the sailor throw a penny into the whale’s mouth?
The sailor thought he was was a wishing whale!
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
What do they do when the fruit educator is sick? They bring in a substitute peacher.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
What do you call a gorilla with no arms?
An ape-utee
Jack has a large neck so he decided to wear a bowtie to his wedding. Otherwise, he’d end up with a tiebreak.
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
What did the snail say as he slipped down the wall? How slime flies!
What is a chocolate covered car called?
A Ferrari Rocher
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
The healthy soup recipe was suggested to us by the nutritionist. It soup-erseded the old unhealthy creamy soup we used to have for dinner.
Do you know why bread hates warm weather? It just makes things too toasty.
I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.
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