Why didn't the hipster swim in the river? It was too mainstream.
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
If flamingos can’t fly, how on earth do they get about? They use flamingo karts, of course.
What name does Santa Claus use when he takes a break from delivering gifts? Santa Pause!
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
What is a mosquitos worst fear?
The S.W.A.T Team.
What is a lightyear?
The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
What is a koala bear’s favorite mixed drink? A pina koala.
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
What does an owl with an attitude have?
A scowl.
What do you call real bacon?
Genuswine
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
Why is the baby strawberry crying?
Because its parents are jamming
What is the brain's favorite television channel?
The Neural Network.
A crocodile tried to copy a rooster to wake his friends one morning, he went croc-a-doodle do.
There’s so much to do here so I’m never Bordeaux-ed.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
The only problem with golf is...
The slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you.
I need to apologize to my fellow Californians for all the recent forest fires.
Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
What do you get when a dinosaur blows it's nose? OUT of the way!!
What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
When I took a break from having soup, my mom said "Carry on, why did you stoup?"
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap? It was always on shale.
We all know that the New England Patriots have their soup in the Super Bowl.
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
A chemist plants a seed.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.
What did summer say to spring?
Help – I’m about to fall!
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
In Italy there is a group pf moms creating soft cheese...
They brand themselves as MOMzarella.
I need to take this picture for my instayam
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
"I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny."
Yule be sorry.
So I went to France and bought a house made of bread
I guess you could say I'm living in pain.
What happened when the beer got divorced?
It became bitter.
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
What do you call a girl who's very good at human chess and checkers?
Ingrid.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
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