I’ve been told that I need to stop making puns about meat… But I just can’t stop cold turkey.
Unbelievably there was yet another truck crash, this time it was carrying Vicks VapoRub. There was no congestion for the rest of the day.
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
"Swarm."
Tis the sea-sun.
What do you call doctors who make vaccines for the flu?
Flu-Fighters.
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
If you happen to knock down all the pins, don’t be overly excited. Spare us the details.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I might have some trouble getting hard, I just got laid this morning!
What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race?
You’re toast!
George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...
Careless Swissper.
What do you call a married couple who compete in the marathon side-by-side?
Running mates.
What is a bat’s favorite dessert?
Pineapple upside-down cake.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
What did the Turkey wear on Halloween?
He was a goblin.
Why are oceans so meticulous?
They like to be pacific.
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
The closer we came to the alley, the louder the bowling thunder.
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday
Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?
To study a broad.
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
Did you see that movie about King Kong, the giant ape?
The plot was pretty bananas.
What is a medieval owl called?
A knight owl.
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
“Remember: don’t eat the yellow snow.”
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
What do you learn in witch school?
Spelling.
A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."
I bought my wife a matching belt and bag for Valentine's Day
She should have that vacuum up and running in no time.
Who do you call a pig who can paint like a great artist? Pablo PIGcaso.
Djokovic to his friends the morning after winning the U.S. Open: Is anyone hungry for some Denny’s? Because I would like another Grand Slam.
Who has better beer: Rabbits or Kangaroos?
Kanagaroos. While they both do great with the hops, Kangaroos just have a little more kick!
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
Why do benched players always seem to look so wise? They don’t have to look like fools on the floor and entertain the crowds.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
What superhero takes public transportation to get around? Bus Lightyear.
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
What music are balloons scared of? Pop music
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
Why did the horse like her new backpack?
The straps were adju-stable.
What do you call an ant who won’t go away?
Perman-ant.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
How can you tell you’re in a pig wine bar? Because everything’s swine.
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
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