My mother is so fastidious that she eats her alphabet soup in the alphabetical order.
Every time when I see a picture of something amazing in space, I usually say “That’s totally far out.”
To everyone in the Christmas Tree industry
You all do a great job! Stand up and take a bough!
My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
Why was the dog chasing his own tail?
Because he was trying to make both ends meet.
I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me
Man, I puma pants
What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak
Why does every watermelon want to be in the Guinness book of records? Because there’s a lot of watermelon smashing to be done.
I love you dairy much.
My sister said I would never be able to make a beach pun.
Is seashore about that?
Ireland is pitcher perfect.
Werewolves love their fast food.
Why couldn’t the pig tie his shoelaces? He was too ham-fisted.
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
You raise the bar.
How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.
What's an inmates favorite fishing equipment? Jail bait.
What is a car’s favourite job?
Caretaker.
The only time a basketball team can chase a baseball team is five after nine.
What happens when you play tug-of-war with a pug?
Pulled pork!
"I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny."
The guy nearly saw a murder when he almost ran over his car over a couple of crows.
What do you call a group of crows flying over a couple?
A murder over love.
Two fish are swimming in a river, when one of them hits a concrete wall. He turns to the other and says: "Dam"
What do you call an italian mosquito?
Malario.
When the defender was put in the box for spearing Jaromir Jagr, he
complained "but it was only a poke-Czech!"
Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!
What is a cat’s favorite type of bird? An e-mew!
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
To get with the times, Grammar Nazi's have changed their name.
They now prefer to go by Alt-writists.
Why do Bigfoots like to tell jokes?
Because they're killer comedians.
Do you want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind it's too cheesy.
Due to bad weather, I won't be attending the Meteorology Convention.
I'm gonna take a rain-check.
What is the only way one does not have to cry while cutting onions? They simply don't have to form emotional bonds with it.
Which hand should we use to stir the soup? It is better to stir the soup with a spoon!
What do gnome mothers often say to their naughty children? Wait till your father gets gnome.
How do you make a goldfish old?
Take away the “G”!
If there's a Tim Horton's chain, should there be a Lanny McDonald's? Or Doug
Harvey's? And what about Ron's Francise?
What do you call a werewolf that's found the cure for lycanthropy?
A lycan'tthrope.
When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!
I decided to add a water fixture to my backyard...
... it's going well
I tried asking some beavers to help me build my house. They didn’t give a dam.
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
What do you call a philosophical fairy?
Thinker-bell.
Which is the bar downtown that soccer players hate striking on? Crossbar.
Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.
That's my pint of view, anyway.
A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
Why did the bee get married?
She found her honey.
My Physics teacher said I have no potential.
Joke's on her, I just bought a ladder.
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