Someone left their tea on my desk. It smells so good, but I won't drink it. That's just not my cup of tea.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
What did the baby mosquito say after his first flight?
“Mama, mama! Did you see that? Everyone was clapping for me!”
What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives but a frog croaks every night.
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section
My father loves eating reams of soup. That is the reason why I think he should be nominated to the Soup – ream – court!
How does a rainbow greet the other weathers? With a yellow of course!
How did the gorilla know she was poorly? She had a belly ape.
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. “First offender?” the judge asked.
“No” she replied. “First a Gibson , then a Fender”.
What do you call a small, two winged insect resembling a mosquito that likes to keep the peace?
A diplognat!
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
What type of weapon can you make with potassium, iron and nickel? A KniFe.
People order potatoes a lot because they look a-peeling on the menu.
What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
Where’s a donut’s favorite vacation spot?
The Sahara dessert!
Why did the lettuce and the mushroom break up? The lettuce was pretty but the mushroom did not have much room for her in his life.
What type of car did the mushroom drive by in? A spores car.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!
How do you Charlemange-age to get through the last few days before vacation?
Why was the doctor’s favorite patient a cat? Because she has nine lives!
Why do ice cream cones make such good journalists?
They always get a scoop.
How would you describe a pun about a pun?
They're pun-ishingly bad!
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
My two cats had a fight today.
They soon hissed and made up though.
Beavers are the best at getting things done on riverbanks. They have their own waves of working.
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? "That's the most violent book I've ever read."
Did I invite you to the Barbecue?
Then why are you all up in my grill?
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
Staying humble thanks to that fumble
What did the rainbow say to the other rainbow? Nothing, it was feeling blue.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for Mother’s Day?
They threw a sowprize party.
What do you call one green onion that doesn't listen to anyone and is very naughty? It is called a rapscallion!
What did Papa cabinet advise to his Son cabinet before his first date?
"Just be youshelf"
Time fries when you’re having fun!
What do you call a blessed blanket?
Holy sheet
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
Do you know what the common thing between a pineapple and a king is? Both of them wear a crown proudly on their top.
Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
Why don't gorillas vote?
They're ape-political.
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