I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.
What does an obstinate piglet always say to his mama?
“Sow what?”
When I went to highschool in Italy my classmates were one year older than me.
I Skipped pasta grade.
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
What do you call old horses?
Ancient roans.
Why did Iron Man sleep outside when it rained?
To get some rust.
What do spiritual gnomes say when doing yoga? Gnom-aste.
The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.
What time do zombies wake up?
At ate o’clock!
Why do vampires need cold medicine?
For their coffin.
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.
What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats.
My girlfriend was seasoning the soup. I asked, "What spice is that?", and she replied "Sage".
I said, "Sounds wise".
"I lava you."
What do you get when you cross a tortoise and a llama?
A turtle-neck sweater.
Why did the elephant start the stampede?
Because it wanted to be herd.
Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
Hare spray.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
What do you call an ant who can’t speak?
A mute ant.
"I just want some peach and quiet!," said the orange.
Q. Why are orange jokes so dumb?
A. Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
What do you call someone who specializes in growing plants used in witches’ brews?
A hag-riculturist!
How many peaches can you fit inside two cans? It depends how big the Toucans are and if they eat peaches.
What do you call someone that plays Tenor and Alto saxophone?
Bisaxual.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?
Bicarbonate of Yoda
When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf.
With the kind of weather, it was almost certain that the bride-to-be would get a hoarse throat as she walked through the rain into her bridal shower.
What did the goat say when he woke up on a train?
I have no idea how I goat here.
What do you call a spiders child?
An arach-kid.
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
What do you call a negative fog?
A pessimist.
Q; What’s the difference between origami and grandpa passing wind?
A: One is the art of the fold, the other, the fart of the old.
Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
What do you call two crows flying together?
An attempted murder
Who else is a famous barnyard painter?
Pablo PIGcaso
A tiger lost a storytelling competition recently as he has only got one tail.
In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”
How do eels travel across the seafloor? By Octo-bus.
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