I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
Did you hear about the metamorphosis professor who just gave up on life? He really needed a change.
You can fix a broken strawberry with a strawberry patch.
When you cross summer sun with summer pun you get summer fun.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
A cow walking backwards.
Q: Why was the cloud so dark and stormy?
A: It was feeling mis-thunder-stood.
Why are tigers striped? Because they never want to be spotted.
What do you get if you cross a giraffe and a hedgehog?
An extra long toilet brush.
What do pines eat for breakfast? Past-trees.
Did you hear about the vampire who only had one fang?
He just had to grin and bare it.
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
What is a phone's favorite TV show? Game of Phones.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.
What did the deer order to drink at the bar?
Ice cold deer.
The big cat was known around town to wear a lot of funky ties. Everyone called him the tie-ger.
What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.
Elon Musk is now the richest person on the planet.
Space X has really taken off this past year.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
Good bowlers always keep their minds out of the gutter.
How should you greet a Ghost? - Long time, no see.
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
If you cross a bee and a lizard, you'll get a blizzard!
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A teddy boar.
I asked a pink bird who its favourite artist was. It looked at me strangely and replied “Flamingo Starr, of course.”
Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
What’s the difference between Spring Break and Summer Break?
Jumping on the bed won’t make a Summer Break.
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
Rivers are...
the original streaming service.
What is a cat’s favorite deal? Buy one, get one furry.
What do koalas do when they see social injustice happening in the world? They fight for ekoalaty!
We are looking pitcher-perfect.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
What's an egg's favorite movie?
Over Easy Rider.
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
I am fawn’d of you my deer.
A spider saw a car he liked at the dealership and decided to take it out for a spin.
What do you call an extremely disgusting unicorn that no one likes? An eeeww-nicorn.
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."
Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!
What does a trumpet and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
My mother's mother hit the jackpot at the BINGO!!!
She's a grammy winner!
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
If a crocodile never admits he is wrong, he must be in de-nile..
Why did Bill's friend get covered in beer?
Because William Shakes Beer.
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