What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
Q: How do you make a blueberry?
A: You strangle a pea.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
What did the sushi say to the bee?
"Wasabee?"
What do rabbits put in their computers? Hoppy disks!
Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
What did the dolphin detective say to his partner?
Something smells fishy!
I am soup-er into the beautiful girl that I met yesterday at school.
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
How do you make a fish laugh?
Tell it a whale of a tale.
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
What do elves learn when they go to school?
The elf-abet.
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
How do flamingos clean themselves? They flaminget a shower.
I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from lawns. I was raking it in.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
Did you hear the one about the genius unicorn who aced every subject? Yeah, he was a real A corn.
Q: What do you get when you walk around with cherries in your shoes?
A: Toe jam.
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
My Dad drove a truck for 32 years.
He was terrible with directions.
Why did the bank have the squirrel arrested?
He was foraging checks.
Those who study the moon for their course or as a habit, are optimists. And that is because they look at the brighter side always.
Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
Goat milk?
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
Alligators can live up to 100 years…
Which is why there’s a chance that they will see you later.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?
Band aid.
What flowering plant is an amazing equestrian? The horse chestnut.
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
Though it sounds mean, a bad soccer team is much like an old bra. It has no cups and minimal support.
A woman bought a rooster, wanting to hear it crow.
However, it turns out the rooster was mute, so she was out of cluck.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
A truck carrying ladders crashed on the road. The cargo has spilled over, but police are taking steps to clear the area.
Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?
The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks.
What did the dog order at a restaurant?
His owner’s homework.
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
What all kinds of stars wear the sunglasses? The movie stars.
Inviting cherries over for a drinks party is easy. Simply start your invitation with “You are cordially invited…”
Have a s-mash-ing birthday!
What is the little mermaid’s favorite font?
Arial.
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
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