Where can you find the biggest diamond in the world?
On a baseball field.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
To go with the floe!
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.
If money really did grow on trees, what would be everyone’s favorite season? Fall.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!
There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.
There’s two balloons in the desert. One says look out for that cactus!
The other goes What Cactussssss...
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
Q: Who is Peach’s favorite actor?
A: Brad Pit.
I don’t get why people buy into the flat earth theory.
I mean, the arguments for it aren’t exactly well rounded.
A team of mushrooms was playing basketball against a team of cabbages. The mushrooms won. Everyone cheered for the champignons.
Wine Connoisser Point to Ponder: Did Marilyn drink Merlot?
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
What happened to the dog who ate too much garlic?
Its bark was worse than its bite.
I went on a date with a Chess World Champion the other night.
It took her about 10 minutes to pass the salt.
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
Why do chickens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they’d break.
What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.
What do we call an airplane that cannot take off? It is called an error plane.
What do you say to a flower after a breakup?
Get clover it.
Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my rieslings.
Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
What did the cat say when it saw something scary? That freaks meowt!
When I tell you how much I love you, I'm not overreacting.
What sport does the Koolaid man play?
Baseball. He's a pitcher.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!
What does a workhorse like to drink?
A Moscow Mule.
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
What did the angry witch do after sitting on her broomstick?
She flew off the handle.
What did Peter Pan call Tinkerbell when she corrected his spelling?
A Diction Fairy.
What do witches' cats like to have for breakfast?
Mice crispies.
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
Did you hear about the painter who works in jail? They say he had a brush with the law.
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
What is red and not good for your teeth?
A brick.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house ? Any kind! A house cannot jump!
How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
It’s never great taking a truck driver to the cinema to watch a film. They only really like the trailers.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
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