Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.
What happens if you cross a night crawler with a telephone? You get Ringworm!
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin.
I told him I'd gourd it with my life.
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because their feet smell.
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
What did the duck say when the waitress came?
Put it on my bill.
What do you call an ant who can’t speak?
A mute ant.
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
If a baby is born on a plane, i guess you could call it... airborn.
Keep Your Friends Close, Your Utility Keys Closer.
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
I taught a dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground.
We went from Barking to Tooting in 20 minutes!
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.
Crows have 16 feather pinions and ravens have 17 pinions. It's just a matter of a pinion.
I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.
I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.
What do you call a camel that looks the same from both directions?
A palindromedary!
What do you call a zombie driving a Ferrari?
A zoombie.
What can you find in the middle of April and March but not at the beginning or end of either?
The letter R!
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
The best thing ever to put in a strawberry pie is your teeth.
Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!
What goes in dry and comes out wet. The longer I'm in, the stronger I get.
A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.
"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens
What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
What did the toast say to the psychic?
You bread my mind!
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
What is a potato’s life philosophy? I think, therefore I yam.
Feeling my shelf.
What do you call a cold dog sitting on a rabbit? A chili dog on a bun!
What Welsh cheese must you always eat with caution? Caerphilly
What do you call the Greek version of Spider-Man?
Pita Parker.
What do you call a big boat full of fish
A carp ark.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
Bro, are you a submarine?
Because you're so gnar.
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
A rect-angle
What do you call a shrimp hit by a car?
Road krill.
What do llamas always say when they introduce themselves?
“Fleeced to meet you.”
Would you rather kiss a shark or a jellyfish?
A jellyfish. That’s a no-brainer.
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