People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
What do llamas always say when they introduce themselves?
“Fleeced to meet you.”
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
Round the rough and rugged rock the ragged rascal rudely ran.
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don't know lettuce sea.
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C!
I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
What did the magician say to the fisherman?
"Pick a cod, any cod."
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
I was not allowed to do my stand up act at the mushroom comedy show. I guess I am not a fungi.
Why was the piano laughing?
Because I was tickling his ivories
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
How did the little koala bear stop the movie? She hit the paws button.
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
"I whip my hare back and forth."
The color of the sky can help in predicting the weather. It gives a fair report of the hue-midity.
I went to watch a play and there were so many peach errors in the dialogues.
Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?
because they dont have mosquiTOES.
I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.
Why is the mushroom always invited to parties? Because he's a fun-gi.
Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired?
Because he couldn't keep his calves together!
What does a dog wear when it’s cold outside?
A pet-ticoat.
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
What happened when the snowgirl had a fight with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
I've just arrived in Bulgaria. How is it? Sofia, so good.
How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? Tea Rex?
What do you call a flamingo that flew into a wall?
A flamingstop.
Why is ice cream so bad at tennis?
They have a soft serve.
I drank alot of alcohol at the airport last night.
I now have a terminal hangover.
What do mountain climbers share around the campfire?
Goat Stories!
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.
What do you call two rabbits racing down the road? The fast and the furriest.
What do you call a bodybuilder skeleton?
A musculoskeleton.
What do you call a otter that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
What’s a ghoul’s favorite Beatles song?
The Ghoul on the Hill!
We’ll have a ball.
When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
I just finished the Mona Lisa made from vegetables. It's a masterpeas.
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!
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