Prisoner: "I’m sorry I tried to escape."
Guard: "I’m not mad, just… disappointed."
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
What’s the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles because there’s a mile between each s.
Why does a little cherry always look up to its parents? It tries to follow in their fruitsteps.
What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you're bacon my heart melt.
Opposing coaches facing the Leafs in the 60s and 70s knew that Dave was the
one to Keon.
What do you call a bat who gets a charge out of life?
A battery.
Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
I was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!
What is a tiny cell phone called? A microphone.
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
What does Earth get on Earth day ?
A birthday quake !
A space fish is usually called starfish.
What do you call Chewbacca when you have chocolate stuck in your hair?
chocolate chip wookiee.
What do cows sing at their friend’s birthday parties?
“Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo!"
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?
A complete waist of time.
It’s never great taking a truck driver to the cinema to watch a film. They only really like the trailers.
Where do penguins go swimming?
At the South Pool!
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
When shouldn't you drink a hot beverage? If it's not your cup of tea.
My son ate daffodil bulbs instead of onions
But that's really serious! Is he in hospital?
Yes, he's still a bit yellow, but he should be coming out in the spring.
What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
It got lockjaw.
What type of trunks do foresters wear to the swimming pool?
Tree trunks!
Why did the mouse eat a candle?
For some light refreshment!
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
If Russia attacked Turkey from behind do you think Greece would help?
What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.
It's a-boat time for a holiday!
What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
My life-long rival just beat my record for deep-sea diving.
This is a new low.
I used to have a scuba diving business
But it went under.
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
What's a ghost's favorite makeup to wear? Mas-scare-a!
I gave my wife that new gorilla glue chapstick...🦍💄
It left her speechless
Which country do sheep go on vacation? The Baaa-hamas.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.
[Chips] This is what I call a chip shot.
What did a duck say to the comedian?
You quack me up.
How will a crow with a cold fever sound like? Caw-ph, Caw-ph.
Why did the corn stalks hold a ceremony in honor of the scarecrow?
To corn-gratulate him for being out standing in their field!
What did the river ask the beaver? "Water you doing today?"
What did the ghost say to the bee
“BOOBEE”
What did the nervous crow do? The crow proceeded with caw-tion.
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