My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.
What do you call a goat that acts immaturely?
A silly billy.
What's a frog's favorite game?
Croak-et.
What is it called when a tree has back problems?
ScoliOAKsis
A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway. It’s caused a huge jam.
What do you call a perfect submarine?
Sub-optimal.
What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?
The Bogeyman.
Big Foot has been spotted throwing tantrums and talking back to his parents.
No wonder they call him the Sassquatch.
What type of dog chases anything red?
A bull dog.
What do you call an emergency in the spring?
May day.
What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with athlete’s foot.
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
What do fruits look for at a talent show? A berry that can really cherry a tune.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
Why was the actress scared of the deer?
She had stag fright.
Its hard being a teenage mother
Especially when you're a teenage male.
What's the sweetest moment in a hockey game? When they're icing the puck.
What’s a horse’s favorite animated movie?
Bolt.
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
A goat came out of nowhere and headbutted me
It was a ram-done act of violence
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg...
but Nefertiti.
What do you call juice with no ice in it?
Ju.
How do you wash a horse?
On a sponge-line.
“What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!”
Q. Why couldn't the gorilla run in the marathon?
A. Because he's not part of the human race!
What happened to the wolf that fell into the washing machine?
It became a wash and wearwolf.
What do bees chew?
Bubmble gum.
What do you call a small, two winged insect resembling a mosquito that likes to keep the peace?
A diplognat!
Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?
Because he knew there was something fishy about it.
I don’t know if I got hit by freezing rain but it sure hurt like hail.
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
Why did you fall in love with the Paris art museum? It was just Louvre at first site.
What do llamas do when they eat outside together?
They have an alpacanic.
What is the cherry fruit's favorite American talkshow? The Cherry Springer Show of course!
What is a vegetable's favourite part of the song?
When the beet drops!
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
He’s an elf-made man.
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
Irish cuisine is stew-pendous.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
This joke is like the time I slipped and fell into a salad.
Corny on the Cobb.
What dinosaur knows a lot of synonyms? A thesaurus.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
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