I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".
I'm never sure if I like rocking chairs or not.
I go back and forth on them
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
I tried to hit the picture cleanly over the fence, but it was framed.
What do you call a freezing bear?
A brrrrrrr.
The mom to the naughty vampire said to him, “Watch your battitude, that is not how you talk to your elders.”
The refs kept calling interference, even though goalmouth incidents were in
de-crease.
Serve up some Dad Jokes at your Father's Day BBQ
Make 'em eat Pop-Corn
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
One of my mother's friends asked if she could be a surrogate
I guess she was just looking for a womb for rent.
"Happy Easter to all my peeps."
Why don't you want to sleep in the sheep pen?
It would be total bedlam!!
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
What do a great hitter and a boxer have in common?
Both are serious sluggers.
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
Why did it take the teen pig so long to get ready for school in the morning?
She was very piggy when it comes to choosing what to wear!
What do pig’s use as soap? Hogwash.
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats fireworks? A dino-mite
I know tons of dad jokes! Here’s one
1.
I watched, horrified as two trucks carrying cheese crashed into each other. De brie was all over the road.
When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!
When the rainbow decided to speak out at the meeting of all weathers, someone said 'Look hue's talking.'
What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.
Where do penguins go swimming?
At the South Pool!
Why did the computer parts salesman quit?
He lost his drive.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
What do you call an annoying person who plays the trumpet?
A brasshole.
A musical strawberry jam that knows how to play the trumpet is called Tooty fruity.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.
How do you measure the circumference of a Sheep?
Shepherds Pie
The boot black brought the black boot back.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
A silent man walked into a bicycle shop...
He picked up a wheel and spoke.
Why did the hummus blush?
Because it saw a chickpea!
Why was the well done steak a terrible gossip? It wasn't juicy enough!
What do you call a cute donut?
A-dough-able.
What happened to the cherry that got married to an apple? They are living apple-y ever after.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
Garbage truck
Bananas, for breakfast, are such an a-peeling choice.
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
Have you heard about the banker who drowned in a river? It was a river of cash.
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
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