What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing?
“I’m not a people porcine.”
What was the pianist doing at the mall?
Chopin.
How do gorillas get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
What does a ghost panda eat?
BamBOO!
I love you from my head tomato
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday
They say it's because I took a day off.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Artists are colorful people who know how to draw on their emotions.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
If an elf can’t do something right now, how do they handle it?
Shelf it for later.
I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don't know lettuce sea.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
What do you call a kangaroo sanctuary?
A kazoo.
What do you call a pig thats wrong? Mistaken bacon.
Why did the troll go running?
To keep up with you!
What do you call a pony running in a circle? Centrifugal horse.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
If you cross a bee and a lizard, you'll get a blizzard!
Theatre - the one place it doesn't pay to read between the line.
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
Life is way better in sandals, and that's one opinion that I will never flip-flop on.
The company is planning to make a new series to show people how to fly an aeroplane. They are now filming the pilot.
I was arrested at the airport. Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!
Why did they take Polly away?
He went crackers!
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
Who do vampires buy their cookies from? The Ghoul Scouts
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.
You can pick your friends or you can pick your nose...
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
How do you know you’ve been visited by a possessed rabbit? He leaves deviled eggs.
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
What types of stories do giant sequoias love to tell? Tall tales, of course.
What did Snow White call her chicken?
Egg White.
I hate it when planes don't have free WiFi.
It drives me bored air line crazy.
Q. What does one teen buck say to oad another into doing something risky?
A. I double deer you!
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog.
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"
Dolphins don't have accidents.
They do everything on porpoise.
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