Why did you guys not laugh at my space puns? Because there way to Sirius.
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
Knife and a fork bottle and a cork
that is the way you spell New York.
Chicken in the car and the car can go,
that is the way you spell Chicago.
What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!
After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”
What is the difference between Barry Zito and bowling icon Walter Ray Williams, Jr.?
Walter Ray Williams, Jr. knows how to throw a strike.
Whatever floats your goat.
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two...
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
What do you call cheese that is sad? Blue cheese.
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
The tiny bag of flour got in trouble, so his mother sent him to bread early. He kneaded to be punished.
"Is that a yay or cabernet?"
What is the perfect day to go to the beach?
Sun-day!
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
He knew literally everything about the constellations. Some might even say that his knowledge of the night sky was astronomical.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
Ireland you money, if you’ll pay me back.
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
Why did the football coach attempt to destroy the vending machine?
Cuz it wouldn't give him his quarterback.
Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.
How do you know your dehydrated? You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops.
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bed sheet.
More on this story, as it unfolds.
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
Whats the best cheese to coax a bear down a mountain? Camembert (Come On Bear)
Why was the penguin so annoying?
Because he was always fishing for complements.
Everyone was spot on, you really did make a great theatre lighting tech.
What has 34 legs, 9 heads and 2 arms? Santa Claus and his reindeer.
Do you know what would happen when you throw a Finnish sailor into the ocean?
Helsinki.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy.
Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.
What do grizzlies use in the shower?
Bear conditioner.
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".
The big cat was known around town to wear a lot of funky ties. Everyone called him the tie-ger.
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
How can astronauts get more protein in their diet? They make it meteor.
Strawberries love to travel. Their favorite mode of transport is the wind-jam-mer.
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