I read dead people.
What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!
How do crabs evade taxes?
They set up shell corporations.
Why did the Iron Chef have to stop cooking? He ran out of Thyme.
Q: What do you do with unruly green kids?
A: Make them do limeout.
Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.
The Paddington bears don’t eat lots of marmalade sandwiches because they are already stuffed.
How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
They are wearing helmets!
When the wolf stood on the grape, the latter said nothing but let out a little bit of a wine.
How do berries start off the fruity olympics? They cherry the Olympic torch around the globe.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
She's my aunt
I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
I never knew how lightning worked
Thats until it finally struck me.
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
How many grams of protein are in an apple pi? 3.14159265
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
What kind of dance do single people do on Valentine's Day?
The Independance!
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
What did the Apple say to the lemon & lime when he found out they were correct?
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite
I beg your garden?
My favorite denim blue jeans just turned brown. I think I will have to call it Dung-arees!
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..
Talk about short arms long pockets...
Don't get too close to a vampire, they have a serious case of bat breath.
What does a ghoul say when they wake up?
Gaaarrrh I love the smell of ghoul in the morning!
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon?
Neil Farmstrong.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.
What were the ponies most excited for in the meal?
The main horse.
Sorry we missed puppy class.
My dog was wagging. There goes his oppawtunity for pawfect attendance…
I'd cut the grass but it's against the lawn.
Where do Danish players aim with the puck? Top kroner.
Do you know what is so special about the alphabet soup of Twitter? It only allows 140 letters.
Skier in ER: Doc, I slipped on my way to the chairlift.
Doctor: Icy.
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.
Tigers are probably the most roarsome animal ever created!
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
What do you get when you cross a Dinosaur and TNT? Dino-mite.
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
What happened when the pun misbehaved in school?
He was pun-alized with detention!
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
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