What Beatles song charted highest in Italy?
Penne Lane.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
The best way to get back at someone is to push them in the snow; after all, revenge is a dish best served cold.
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
My local Italian restaurant is moving to Italy
They are moving to greener pasta.
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
What did the banana do when it saw a gorilla? The banana split.
What do llamas call the end of the world?
Llamageddon.
Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team?
Bat boy.
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark?
An animal that talks your head off.
Thinking about selling my crab so i could make money. Then I realised "am I really this shellfish"?
I once tried crossing a flamingo with a cement mixer. Sounds crazy, but I really wanted a good brick layer.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
What’s worse than one crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner.
I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.
I made a huge splash.
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
I told the person who was playing my trumpet,
To stop pushing my buttons.
What did the avocado say to the fork? “You guac my world.”
Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.
I know a man whose last name is Storm
He has three daughters: Summer, April, and Haley.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
What did the Papa Blanket say to the Mama Blanket when the Baby Blanket was crying?
Comforter.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
You’re sledding a fine line there.
What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
What do fruits look for at a talent show? A berry that can really cherry a tune.
What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass
As I am walking towards my classroom, I get to know that my miss-is-sippi-ng my glass of water.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano? You can't tuna fish.
I was driving through the safari park when my sat nav said “bear left”. It was clearly a zebra.
Why can't college professors take exams at a zoo? Because there are too many cheetahs.
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up! Why did the blonde put a sweater on her hot dog? Because she wanted a chili dog.
Have you heard about Amazon’s plan to make intercontinental shipments using electric submarine drones?
They’re projecting a large increase in e-fish-in-sea.
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ? Tyrannosaurus tex!
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Llama know if you don’t like these puns and alpaca my suitcase and leave!
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
Accidentally ran over a French seal today .
Phoque.
Strawberries are berry healthy. They pack a punch when it comes to beating cancer and other diseases.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.
What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
I have an exciting new job as an explosives engineer blowing up mountains for tunnels and roads.
It's Groundbreaking work.
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