What fish are at the zoo?
Lion fish!
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
What can you only drink in the Middle East? Dust-Tea.
If a dog chews shoes, whose shoes does he choose?
How does a chicken mail a letter to her friend?
In a HEN-velope!
What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
What do you call a month’s worth of rain?
England.
My mom told me that sitting on a computer 8 hours a day in unhealthy
I said: But, mom that's why I am using a chair.
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.
I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.
I'm going to start a business selling worms and Nintendo consoles
I'll call it "Bait and Switch."
Where does a bee use the bathroom?
BP
Did you hear about the watermelon who starred in a telanovella?
“It was melondramatic.”
The fruit bat ate the orange because of its appeal. It had such a nice color.
Talking at the local chocolate factory is frowned on. When I’m there, I need to wispa.
What's the weather like in Mexico?
Chili today, hot tamale.
What did the bowling pins do?
They went on strike.
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets!
Why do fish not like computers?
Because they are worried about getting caught in the Inter-net.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
What do you call a pianist who throws trash everywhere?
Litterachi.
What did the cloud say to the rainbow? Thank you for adding color to my day.
This year, I've really enjoyed watching 'Planet Earth'.
It's a shame that it only has four seasons.
- Hey, graduate student Minotaur, what are you up to today?
- Not much, just working on my Theseus.
What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.
I’ve been getting blitzed all game
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
You have goat to be kidding me.
How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.
When a mountain falls sick, it tells the doctor that he's feeling really very, very hill.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
I’ll be there in a pinch.
The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position.
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.
How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?
They would dig an M.O.T. around them.
Nut cookies are the best gifts for nutty friends.
Even during thunderstorms, Santa can still deliver presents because raindeers fly his sleigh.
What did his wife give the guy when he came home all sweaty from his run?
The stink eye.
What is a grammar vampire's least favourite drink?
Type-O.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
What did Sophocles call his dating service in Ancient Greece?
Oedipal Arrangements.
Forget about watermelons, I heard having a windmelon your property is the best way to get clean and renewable electricity.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
Why do ghosts and demons get along so well? Demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
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