Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
What do horses use to eat?
Breastplates.
What’s the hardest part about working as a bus driver? Everyone’s talking behind your back.
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine… but catscan.
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
Why was the dogwood always making bad choices? Because he kept barking up the wrong tree.
Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.
Why are they called tacos?
They don’t say much.
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
What do you call a camel without humps?
Humphrey.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
My sister thinks that she is so intelligent. She says onion is the only food which makes her cry. That is the reason why I threw a pineapple at her face.
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
Did you hear the joke about the elephant who was stuck in a tree last spring? To get down, she had to sit down on a branch and wait until fall.
You’re my soul Santa.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Gnome! I can’t reach the doorbell!
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.
I'm not the fig plucker,
nor the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes.
Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
Why is the world so diverse? Because it contains alkynes of people.
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
What do you get when you cross a Sheepdog with a jelly?
The collie wobbles.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called "1,001 cures for itches."
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
Whats the best cheese to coax a bear down a mountain? Camembert (Come On Bear)
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
I'm considering becoming a cinematografur.
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle?
“An Orange County Chopper.”
Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.
Life is way better in sandals, and that's one opinion that I will never flip-flop on.
What do you call a cow that plays the saxophone? A blues moo-sician.
Where do cows go to celebrate New Years Eve? To a meat ball!
How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.
"You make me egg-static."
At the end of the year, there is always a rock n’ bowl concert where everyone gets entertained.
When you cross a wolf and a monkey, you end up with a howler monkey.
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