What’s yellow and swings from cake to cake?
Tarzipan.
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
The moon landing is obviously fake.
The moon is clearly still up there.
What did the storm drain say when it learnt it'd be getting a new cover?
That's just grate.
I’ll think of another pun soon…
Just bear with me.
Who's the scariest dancer ever?
The Boogie Man.
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
I felt so guilty after I stepped on a snail this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed.
I want to play my match outdoors so I can hit the ball higher in the air. I’m not good at persuading people, so I’m going to hire a lob-byist.
What do you can a kangaroo covered in tape?
Hopscotch
I’m soy
into you.
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
He wanted chocolate milk.
How did the beaver introduce his wife? This is my significant otter.
What's a pun's best trait?
His pun-ctuality!
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
Today, I am eating a bun filled with pineapple and ham for my dinner. That is Hawaii roll.
I red a joke about colors once.
It blue my mind.
If you are going to sleep, I wish you suite dreams.
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
What do you call an alien spaceship that's leaking water?
A crying saucer.
What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?
A seahorse.
Fred fed Ted bread and Ted fed Fred bread.
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
Why would a judge make a good tooth fairy?
Because they want the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.
What kind of tea does Billy like?
Ability.
"Santa’s pretty stelfy going down the chimney, don’t you think?" said one elf to another.
What the motto of a Boy Scout who got a badge for fixing a bicycle horn?
Beep Repaired!
Where did the hamsters invade the beaver colony? Hamsterdam.
Why don’t these children eat their soup? Because all of them is stew-pid.
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed.
Did you hear about the artist's really messy house? He said it was 'a work in progress'.
Having a ball
How do deer clean their feet?
Hoof paste.
How should you greet a Ghost? - Long time, no see.
Don’t be a wet noodle – join us!
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
Why did one camel spit and stomp when the other camel stole its cheese?
Because they’re “dramadairies”
Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.
What do you call the generation of people that migrated from Italy?
Genitalia.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”
Why don't they make ice cream from breast milk? It's an udderly bad idea!
What do you call a big Irish spider?
A Paddy long legs.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
How did the rabbit become a wrestling champion? It had a lot of hare pins!
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Me: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!
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