When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
What did the bowl of soup write on their Valentine?
I love you pho real.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.
It’s a little flat.
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
Frankenstein’s monster was really worried one day.
“Pull yourself together”, said Frankenstein.
Where does a bee use the bathroom?
BP
What is the similarity between a superhero and an onion? They both have layers.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
What does a deer call a hunter?
“Doe foes.”
Two fruit flies are out for dinner.
I'm really enjoy this date...”
“Yeah, but it’s only half rotten.”
Why was the orange skeptical of everyone around him?
He was planted with a seed of doubt.
If a crocodile never admits he is wrong, he must be in de-nile..
"I whip my hare back and forth."
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
How do fish play the drums?
With Fish Sticks.
Where do parrots get away on holiday? To the beak!
What type of dog can use a phone?
A dial-matian.
What is the shortest month of the year?
M-A-Y.
The soup that my mom made for dinner healed my flu in a day. It was almost soup-er natural.
Why did the ghoul become green?
It was sick of eating brains!
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”
"Happy Easter to all my peeps."
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again?
A dirty double-crossing chicken.
That alligator took great photos, he was a bit of a snapper.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
Are you a flame? Because I think I found my perfect match.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
I gave my wife a broken hair-dryer for her birthday
She wasn’t blown away.
What do you call a line of men out on the lawn, having sausages and waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.
Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.
Do you think anyone will buy the new furniture made by Apple?
iWood
Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.
There those thousand thinkers were thinking how did the other three thieves go through.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
How do you know when a crab's drunk?
When it starts walking straight
Why is Christmas the cheesiest holiday? Baby cheeses. (Baby Jesus)
What do you call a fast broomstick?
A vroom-stick.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
Which tool does a peach biologist often use for its experiment? – A peachtree dish (Petri dish).
A wind turbine saw a solar panel at an energy convention. He leaned in and shouted, Hey, I’m a big fan!”
How do bats line up in school?
In alpha-bat-ical order.
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