Why do ice cream cones make such good journalists?
They always get a scoop.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
My grandfather had the heart of a tiger
And a lifetime ban at the zoo
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
What did the lobsterman say when his crate turned up empty?
It a-piers we have a problem.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale!
We’ll have a splash-tastic time.
What do you get when a dinosaur walks through the strawberry patch? Strawberry jam.
What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
What did the pear say to the other pear when they just got together?
It’s good to be a pair.
Where do crows try their luck?
Ma-cau
What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.
What was stolen from the music store? The lute.
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
They say that the local baker is the breadwinner of his family. True enough.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
Calling my new dog “Shark” was a mistake.
I’ve been banned from all my local beaches.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind that blows a tall guys onto a basketball court?
A: The NBA draft
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
What did the florist say when it was springtime?
Business is blooming!
Where do chess grandmasters keep their pet snakes?
In a chesst.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
What do you called a crow that cant find his way?
A lost caws
What did the duck eat for snack?
Salted Quackers.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
The reason orange juice doesn’t slide well on hard wood floors is Because of pulp friction.
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
What did the happy kitten say? I’m feline good!
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
I hear the Minotaur is really stubborn....
He's really bull-headed.
What do you call the generation of people that migrated from Italy?
Genitalia.
I don’t care if all of the other giants see me as a big joke for filing a restraining order on a guy I’ve got 75 feet on.
Beanstalked is a serious matter.
What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.
Can I Alp you?
Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
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