What did the Mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?
Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!
What did the snowman eat?
Icebergs with chilli sauce.
What do you call a dog that comes back from the dead?
A zom-beagle.
Someone just stole some grass from my garden.
Strange I know, thought robbers stuck to their own turf.
What happened when the tiger ate the comedian?
He felt funny!
Why did the tiger lose at poker?
Because he was playing with a cheetah.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
What can one parrot do?
Not as much as toucan.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
How did the octopuses win the football match?
Ten tackles
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
Have you heard about the Italian Bigfoot?
The spag-yeti.
Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware.
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
My hypochondriac brother just told me he thinks he's got a brain tumor.
I told him not to worry, it's probably all in his head.
Why were the melon lovers sad?
Because they cantaloupe.
I can heartly wait to see you.
What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.
What kind of key has no lock?
A turkey.
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
Where do ghosts play volleyball at? At the volleyball corpse.
Why did they arrest the volleyball player? They suspected foul play.
Why don't boats have funerals?
They have wakes.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
What does the winged horse do after it goes to the bathroom?
Pegaflushes.
Some say that puns aren't very funny, while others take them very seriously...
I guess the one thing we can all agree on is that puns are no joke.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
What kind of pasta do skeletons enjoy eating the most?
Elbow macaroni.
A woman who gave birth in a tree was sent to jail
She was charged with treeson
Why did the bus driver go to jail? He was 'wheely' breaking the law!
Interesting that illegally copying on computers is known as piracy.
I suppose you CTRL C
Take off all your cloves.
What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
Did you know that the Greek god Chronos was in the Mafia?
He was the Don of Time itself!
What kind of vest should you wear in the fall?
A har-vest.
Why did the Iron Chef have to stop cooking? He ran out of Thyme.
What do you call a lazy crayfish?
A slobster.
The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."
I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.
What do you call an eyeless deer?
No-eye-deer.
Why is the tooth fairy so smart?
Because she has wisdom teeth!
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
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