You know why I love bread puns? Because they never go stale.
Are avocados good for your heart?
Yes, they make for great avo-cardio.
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
Q. What did the mother doe name her new twin babies?
A. Bam B and Bam A.
What kind of magazines would the planets prefer to read? Cosmos.
What did the deer’s mother say to her daughter on her birthday?
“I remember the day you were fawn!”
What do you call a man who is too big for an alligator to eat?
A jawbreaker.
As I am walking towards my classroom, I get to know that my miss-is-sippi-ng my glass of water.
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.
How does a car express love to another?
‘I a door you.’
Egyptians claimed to have invented the guitar,
But they were such lyres.
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
How the tree introduce themselves to the dentist?
“Implant”
Why are parrots the life of the party? Every day is their bird-day!
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.
What do you call an insect that can’t drink milk?
Lactose intoler-ant.
What did the fruit lover say after he met a girl?
I’ve got a date
General: "Fire at will!"
Soldier: "Which one's Will?"
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
What game do little bats like to play?
Batty fight.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
Where did Noah keep his bees? In his archive.
Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!
How do snails make important calls? On shell phones.
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
Did you hear the gossip about the owl who hooked up with his boss?
I won’t tell you hoo.
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tell it a funny Halloween joke and see which end laughs!
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
Why can't inmates read a clock? Because it's hard time.
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
Did you hear about the 2 apes that kept fighting with each other?
It was gorilla warfare.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
Once I told a joke about mosquitos...
It was malarious.
You don’t like my winter pun? How cold!
What do you call a deer in a storm?
A raindeer
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
What is it called when two spies hug?
A bond-ing moment.
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
I was cracking some lame fall puns when my friend commented, "Gosh, you are acorny person!"
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
What do you call a fruit that is rough around the edges? A bad apple.
What was the shark’s favorite Tim Burton film?
Edward Scissorfins.
Why was the baseball player so good at writing advertising jingles?
Because they're so catchy.
Why did the forest ranger never put their tent between fires
because if they did the tents would be in a across fire
Which dinosaur can't stay out of the rain? A Stegosaur-rust
I call the shots.
What did one slice of bread say to the other at their wedding?
Let’s grow mold together.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
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