How do you get down off a horse?
You don’t, you get down off a duck.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
What do you get when you photocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
When the chef asked me how I would like my soup, I said "I would like minestrone".
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
Did you hear about the woman who complained about her rabbit stew? She said there was a hare in her soup.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.
A beaver's tail makes them look odd.
But without it they would look otter.
You heard about the Spanish woman that is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.
How is a pig’s tail like 4 o’clock in the morning? It’s twirly.
A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”
Theater sound guys aren't always good speakers
Everyone wondered why Cinderella was such a bad player. If only they knew, her coach was a pumpkin.
Why did the penguin cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
You and I make a deluxe combo.
Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Catfish.
Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny.
What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!
What should you do if you see a blue banana?
Try and cheer it up.
What do you get when you cross a cow and an earthquake?
Milkshake.
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
Did you get a side of hummus?
It's a hummuside.
What's the greatest problem facing Poland?
The four-ten split.
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
Salty but sweet.
What did the fawn say to warn her friend about the haunted house?
“Don’t go deer!”
Q: What did the cloud say to the lightning bolt?
A: You're shocking!
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
Metaphors be with you.
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Q. What do you call the stench that comes from antlered roadkill?
A. A foul o-deer.
"I'm so egg-cited for Easter."
What should you do if you drop a root vegetable face down?
Turnip over.
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
I have so many Easter puns, it’s not even bunny.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
Did you hear about the panda that had a slight stutter?
Seems it’s a story that bears repeating.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
When you get a rainbow after the rain at least you are moving in the bright direction.
Which hotel do mice most often use?
The Stilton.
Did you hear about the color bomb?
Yeah it blue up.
Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
The classiest indoor tennis facilities serve bubble tea.
How do you know when a potato is high? When it looks baked!
What do you call a pastry that is a priest? A Holy Donut!
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