You’re so beautiful, I can heartly believe my eyes.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
What do you call a strawberry in math?
A berry-able.
Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!
What did the mama elf say to her mischievous child?
“Stop elvesdropping on Santa!”
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
Looking out at the water, a father explains why the ice breaks up in the spring.
The changing sea son.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
What did the boss say to his pizza during their meeting?
There’s mushroom for improvement.
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
A famous turtle is called a shell-ebrity.
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
“Did you hear the forecast for Christmas Eve? They’re calling for rain, dear!”
It's a nice night for a white rice fight.
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.
Shocking isn't it.
What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.
What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
My local Italian restaurant is moving to Italy
They are moving to greener pasta.
When doesn’t a bull have horns?
When it’s a bullfrog.
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
My pet turtle died.
I'm not upset - just shell-shocked.
I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
Nice touch.
Where did Velociraptor buy things? At a dino-store!
I really hate these strings. I can feel it in my gut.
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
Where do otters come from?
Otter Space.
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
it was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
What does the youngest flower child say?
Last bud not least!
Why didn't the sentence have a period?
Because it was pregnant.
Other people had drugs in school, but I brought Greek cheeses.
That way I could have math and feta cheese.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
Why did the hunter miss his mark?
He was not aiming deerectly for it.
What do winged horses attend in school? Pegclasses.
Why is the chef so mean?
He beats the eggs.
What do you call the Earth when it is quaking?
Shakesphere.
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.
If you suck playing the trumpet, that's probably why.
Q. Which Louisville race exclusively features buck and stag contestants?
A. The Kentucky Deer-by.
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