What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort
What do you call a spinning potato? A rotate-o.
Shake your shamrocks.
Fred is so condescending about my tennis strokes. I can’t take any more of his backhanded compliments.
You really ate dog meat? How was it?
.... ruff
There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK".
Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
I avoid bike trails after dark. They are full of cycle paths.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
A famous turtle is called a shell-ebrity.
What did one cheddar cheese say to the other cheddar cheese at prom?
Looking sharp!
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.
The pilot was lucky. He always had work. Whenever he made an application, it was almost certain that he would land a job.
What's a baby gherkin's favorite TV channel?
Pickleodeon.
What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
What do cherries write in love letters? I miss you cherry-bly.
What is it when one cow spies on another cow?
A steak out.
What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!
What type of songs do planets sing?
Nep-Tunes.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
All chemists know that alcohol is always a solution
I’ve never lost a game of football basketball or volleyball!
Though I’ve never played a game either.
A chicken goes into a library. He stands at the librarian's desk and says, "Buk," so she gives him a book. A couple of minutes later, the chicken returns. "Buk," he says, and she hands him another book. This goes on and on.
Finally, it is the librarian's break time. She goes out back to get some fresh air by the pond. That is when she sees the chicken and a frog on a lilypad. "Buk," says the chicken as he tosses a book to the frog. "Reddit," replies the frog...
What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
“The North Pole doesn’t import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.”
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
What is the first thing that bats learn at school? The alphabat.
How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
Why are bad knitters and Christmas trees alike? They both drop their needles.
What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a Moostache.
What can you do if you are the ocean?
Watever you want.
What did the avocado say to the fork? “You guac my world.”
Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
Enrique Doubleglazius.
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
Rainbows are very uncommon, they are blue and far between.
Stuck on what to get your Mum for Mother's Day?
Get her a fridge and watch her face light up as she opens it.
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