How come there are no automatic cars in Spain?
They’re all Manuel.
I have the final sleigh.
Bad puns are how eye roll.
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
Two friends were hanging out. One asks the other: "Hey, do you know about the famous detective that can't do bowel movements?"
The other friend replies: "No sh** Sherlock, of course I do!"
If we played hot potato I’d lose, because I’d never let you go.
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
How can you tell if you’ve told a really funny Irish joke?
People will be Dublin over with laughter!
What’s a potato’s least favorite dance? The Mash Potato.
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.
Due to bad weather, I won't be attending the Meteorology Convention.
I'm gonna take a rain-check.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a hyena?
A monster with a sense of humor.
A pickle store is giving out their new tea-flavored pickles on the street today
I tried some and I guess they tasted quite a-tea-pickle.
What do you get when you cross a cat and a sloth? A slow leopard.
What is a favorite game for ghouls?
Chase!
I only have ice for you!
Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
My wife showed me two of her mother’s quilts and asked me which one I preferred.
I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”
What did the deer say to her friend when she needed assistance?
“Could you doe me a favour?”
Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.
It wasn't 2b.
Why did the River go to the doctor? Her flow wouldn't stop.
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
Why did the bus driver take a break? He needed to 'stop' and refuel!
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
What do you call a funny parrot spoof
A parody
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
Make your own decisions this summer, don't give in to pier pressure.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
Your love will always be up to par.
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”
What do you say if someone steps on a banana peel? Well I guess he didn't find that appealing!
Thin grippy thick slippery.
Wondering what crows wear during Halloween, well, they wear caw-stumes.
Beware, gnomish merchants, they tend to shortchange people.
What do they do when the fruit educator is sick? They bring in a substitute peacher.
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
How do you kiss someone at the end of the world?
On the apoca-lips.
Why was the little bee sent to bed without supper?
Because he wouldn't beehive.
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
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