I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
The book on Mount Everest was super interesting because it had so many cliffhangers.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
What happened when it started raining coins?
It knocked some sense (cents) into the world.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
Don’t give into beer pressure.
In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated? Turkey.
Which Habs great once worked as a janitor? Broom-Broom Geoffrion.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
What do you call a cold, angry pig? A ham-brr-grr.
Was the koala able to complete the grueling 26-mile marathon? Bearly.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
What chord does jesus play on guitar?
Gsus
What do you get when you cross a tortoise and a llama?
A turtle-neck sweater.
Why don't pets make good astronauts?
They're afraid of the spay station
There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard and taking poops on my flower bed.
His dog is not as bad.
Ghosts are terrible liars because you can see right through them.
What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?
Cowboom.
What do you do if you find a blue Ichthyosaur ? Cheer him up!
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies."
Betty Goat responds, "Heck no. No baby goats for me..."
"I'm not kidding."
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants!
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
Please wait, bewitcha in a minute.
For waterproofing their nests, crows buy caw-king.
Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.
What's all wet and likes to shake? It's an earthquake on a rainy day.
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I really lava you!
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.
What did the lighter color shade tell to its dark lover?
I want hue
There are many grounds religious children can practice their soccer skills. However, most of them love the prayground.
My Asian neighbor owns a T-shirt company where he colors white shirts. I think it's a Thai Dye T-shirt company.
Even though Jake was a heartthrob Casanova, he just had to break up with his long-time watermelon vending girlfriend; said she was always melondramatic about everything.
My neighbor was walking across the street while carrying the game Scrabble then suddenly dropped it, leaving the game board and pieces on the ground.
I said: “Hey Jeff! What’s the word on the street?”
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...
“That’s just spam.”
What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? "I like your style."
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
If a crocodile never admits he is wrong, he must be in de-nile..
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
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