What do you call two polar bears jerking each other off?
Bipolar.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
How do sheep greet each other during the holidays? Fleece Navidad!
We were all sturtled by the incoming news.
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
My blind friend did LSD for the first time...
There was a lot more tripping than usual.
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
What do you call someone who rips up books?
A tear-orist.
What is a bear’s favorite soda?
Coca Koala.
What kind of hair explodes?
Bangs.
Afraid he wouldn’t get into college the skeleton spent the weekend boning up on algebra.
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
What do you call an artist without a palette? Someone who makes paintings without taste.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
Did you hear about the spies trying to infiltrate japan, Italy, and Germany in WWII?
They were denied axis.
What do you call a computer that plays tennis?
A server
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.
What painting is terrible at ever being happy? The Moaning Lisa.
What do fish take to stay healthy?
Fish take Vitamin Sea to stay healthy!
A berry funny strawberry candy is called a Laffy taffy.
If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A convict.
What do you call an onion who decides to be very eco-friendly in its approach? You name it a green onion.
Did You Hear About The Duck With A Drug Problem?
He was a quackhead.
What do you do when you miss the ferry?
Call a canoe-ber.
I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.
What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
The scare crow was out standing in his field, so he got awarded as the best employee of the year.
“A mistle-toast to the holiday season.”
I went to the zoo the other day and saw an alligator that will only eat finely chopped food.
It was an alligrator.
What does a ghost wear when it’s raining outside?
Boooooooooooots.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
I love you so fairy much.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
I heard someone complain about the bus being too crowded, it was a 'bus-load' of people!
Did you hear they are not making yardsticks any longer?
They’re not making them any shorter either.
When I was younger, I once smashed up a nest of heron's eggs.
No egrets.
Bad puns are how eye roll.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
A prankster played a really dark and dim-witted joke at the theatre. He turned off the lights.
Which search engine is popular amongst mice? Ask Cheese.
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