The zombie astrologer writes really scary predictions.
They're horror-scopes.
Why did the pumpkin pie go to a dentist?
Because it needed a filling.
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
What kind of ant is good at math?
An account-ant.
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
A bomb goes of in a cheese shop.
You can see da brie everywhere.
My wife's been on a banana diet.
She hasn't lost any weight, but you should see her climb trees now!
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
I'm moving some couches today...
Sofa, so good!
Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
If money really did grow on trees, what would be everyone’s favorite season? Fall.
What do you get when a penguin lays an egg on a hill?
An eggroll.
Prague is my number one choice for a dream destination...
Dying to Czech it out
Salami get this straight - you don't like meat puns?!
What is a monkey’s favourite cookie?
Chocolate Chimp!
Why was the pig given a red card at the football game?
For playing dirty.
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
What did the dog order at a restaurant?
His owner’s homework.
It's a-boat time for a holiday!
Why shouldn’t you tell an owl your secrets?
They’re always talon everyone.
What does a dolphin say when he’s confused?
Can you please be more Pacific?
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
Why was the cabinet maker fired on his first day?
He just couldn't get a handle on it.
I whale always love you.
It’s the fawn of a new day! - said the deer happily after waking up.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
What’s the difference between a dog and a gator?
A dog’s bark is worse than its bite.
My HOA agreement has a statement mandating we have an inflatable Santa displayed in our yard during December.
There is a Santa clause.
Why doesn’t Frankenstein go on airplanes?
He can’t get past the airport metal detector.
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
What is a corn's favorite song?
Corn fields forever.
Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
Beaver jokes
Can be pretty dam funny.
What did the Ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!
What did the zombie say when she fell out with her vampire friend?
- You're dead to me!
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
There were two antennas who met on a roof and they fell in love and decided to get married. The ceremony was nothing fancy, but you could tell that they had a very strong connection.
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
When I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flower, my teacher said I was the perfect roll-model.
What happened when the koala house party got a little too far out of hand? One of the neighbors koalaed the cops.
The navy is now taking dogs along on their submarines
They're subwoofers
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
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