Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
What do you call a fascist mosquito?
Benito Mosquitollini.
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
What type of baseball player gives out all the water?
The Pitcher.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
What sport do wasps love?
Sting-pong.
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
Winter is un-brr-lieveable!
Why did the skeletons stay out of the forest?
Because sticks and stones will break their bones.
Why are elves so cold at Christmas?
Because it's in Decembrrrrr.
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
Where do school-going vampires carry their books?
In bat-packs.
Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends and family?
She got involved with Alderaan people.
My friend told me all about his friend's girlfriend who was playing saxophone.
Apparently she was a saxy lady.
The man on the table found hair in his soup. He said in rage "I will take the chef to soup-reme court".
"No wine left behind."
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature
Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password.
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.
What’s big and grey and wears a mask?
The elephantom of the opera.
What does a piece of cheese tell you during a game of tag?
Cheez it.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
What game do little bats like to play?
Batty fight.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Beakaboo
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
What is a koala bear’s favorite line in the movie “The Sixth Sense”? “Aussie dead people.”
I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
He was afraid of getting toad.
What do you call a strawberry in math?
A berry-able.
The artist was great. He could always draw a crowd.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
Why was the bucket so embarrassed at the beach?
Because of how pail it was.
What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
- I’m bone to be wild!
What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
What’s a Chinese bear’s favorite organ of the body?
The panda-creas.
What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?
A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
What was the donut’s least favorite part of its day?
I’m not really sure; it glazed over that part.
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.
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