I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
Why did the bus driver eat a burger? He wanted to 'bus-t' his energy!
How did the serve know when the bad serve was not with the hand? The server knew it was the foot fault.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
How many yaks could a yak pack, pack if a yak pack could pack yaks?
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
My brother was trampled to death by a flock of sheep.
May he rest in fleece.
Was going to change my password to MilkyTea but apparently that's too weak.
What do rodents say when they play bingo?
‘Eyes down for a full mouse’!
I beg your garden?
What's an owl's favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.
Having pineapple on a pizza is quite like going down on a cousin: It might taste good, but something is not right.
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
I live on top of the mountain and i usually have 99 problems
But the beach ain't one
Purple paper people, purple paper people, purple paper people.
People need to be careful about computers at all times because they byte.
Why does a little cherry always look up to its parents? It tries to follow in their fruitsteps.
What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions?
A dog with a bark worse than its bite.
Which city in France is the nicest?
Nice.
What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?
Awe shucks!
What do you call a baby tree struck by lightning?
A zapling.
What cheese do vampires eat?
Munster.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
French people give me the crepes.
Why do Ghosts make such good company? They are full of spirit.
The winter is the worst time of year for a wedding. The grooms always seem to be getting cold feet.
Elizabeth has eleven elves in her elm tree.
What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.
Why do dogs hate computers?
They can’t stick their heads out of those Windows.
Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Yes, it is February 14th
What is a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
Lambo.
What do you call a flying monkey?
A hot air baboon.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A porky-pine.
What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Why do Otters swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
How do you stop an Internet troll?
Seize their memes of production.
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
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