Where did the Flopper work in the offseason? At Dominik's Hat-Check.
Is your iPad making you fall asleep?
I can help—there’s a nap for that.
What is a DJs favorite vegetable?
A turnip.
I am really good with PowerPoint because I Excel at it.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
Strawberries love to travel. Their favorite mode of transport is the wind-jam-mer.
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
The best place to hide something is at an airport
You'd be hiding something in plane site.
Did you hear of the new disease going through France?
I've heard it was a Paris-ite.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
What does the ginger bread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet.
“What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations? Tinselitis.”
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
All chemists know that alcohol is always a solution
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
HIJKLMNO is the formula for water
H to O.
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
What is a cheese lover’s favorite rap artist?
Feta wap.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
What did the llama say when he found out he had been robbed?
“I’ve been fleeced!”
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.
What do you call old horses?
Ancient roans.
Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
What did the tree say to spring?
What a re-leaf!
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
Birds too love cheering on their soccer teams. They egg them on.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
To go with the floe!
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.
What's a nervous person's favorite drink?
Insecuri tea!
What kind of dog did Frankenstein want for Christmas?
A lab.
What can you serve and never eat? A volleyball!
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
My life-long rival just beat my record for deep-sea diving.
This is a new low.
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
What did the zombie pour on her dinner?
Grave-y.
If a painter ever feels stressed or troubled, they take a vacation to the hills. It will easel their mind!
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
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