Why did the computer parts salesman quit?
He lost his drive.
Do you want to know what you get when you cross a newborn snake with a basketball? Really! Ooh you will end up with a bouncing baby boa.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
For his birthday, the snowman wants a cake with lots of icing on it.
Why was the dog chasing his own tail?
Because he was trying to make both ends meet.
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
What do you get if cross a frog with some mist?
Kermit the Fog.
My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop.
Speaking slowly, I said "you mean a *clothes* shop?"
He says, "No, a crows shop - come in and have a rook."
What does a cow say to milk? I am your mother.
When does a turkey go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
I lost my cat in a snowstorm!
But he should be fine because he's a cool cat.
Why aren't high school twins afraid of getting mono?
Because they get stereo instead!
What is a werewolf’s favorite tree?
A lu-pine.
The closer we came to the alley, the louder the bowling thunder.
Mother always knows best. But when winter comes around, Mother Nature snows best.
You really ate dog meat? How was it?
.... ruff
I'm not the fig plucker,
nor the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes.
My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't stop making monster puns.
So I guess our relationship might as well be ogre.
Did you hear about the scared kangaroo?
Yeah, he was a bit jumpy.
What’s the first thing a gorilla learns in school? The ape b c’s.
Oranges rarely pass driving tests, this is because they keep on peeling out.
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
What do you give prisoners for dessert? Jaily-Beans.
Why do flowers always drive so fast?
They put the petal to the metal.
What's a bee's favorite novel?
The Great Gats-Bee
When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write.
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
"Back that glass up."
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
How do blind folks buy homes in hot markets?
Sight unseen.
My wife said she saved $5 by not taking a bus and walking home
I said, you could've saved a $20 by not taking a cab instead
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
Q. Which kind of cheese is made fom deer milk?
A. Moose-erella.
What do we get when we mix an iPhone and a Christmas tree? A pine – apple!
Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.
Gnomes can be quite annoying when they’re indecisive. All they say is yes, gnome, maybe.
I made a pie with a can of peas in. Pea-can pie. It didn't taste how I imagined.
What sound does a turkey's phone make? Wing! Wing!
How to spot the best mechanic?
The brightest bulb.
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
Why couldn't the little witch read her spellbook?
It was written in curse-ive.
What do you call a necromancer werewolf?
A dog with a bone.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.
How does an otter get into an honest business? Usually through the skylight.
The best place for a ghost to go on holiday is The Dead Sea.
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