My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
Water you doing?
Keep calm and leprech-on.
If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do?
It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.
My local Italian restaurant is moving to Italy
They are moving to greener pasta.
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
Why didn’t the zombie stay in town?
There was a new head strong sherif in town!
After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”
What fruit loves chocolate?
A cocoa nut.
What kind of music do frogs listen to?
Hip hop.
Reading is a novel idea.
Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”
What do you call a goat who paints pictures?
Vincent Van Goat.
An otter and an otter are in a car, who's driving? Animal Control
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white?
Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
"Dad, how do you cast spells?"
"You just follow the instructions."
"Which instructions?"
"Yeah, they're the ones."
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?
Because a bottle knows dolphin.
An action potential takes the train to school. What is the name of the train station where it gets off for school?
Axon terminal.
What are unsolved murders called when it happens in a society of crows? Murder mysteries.
Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
When you cross an orange and a bunny, you will end up with a pip squeak.
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.
[Donuts] We’re going the hole nine yards for this game.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
What did one lightbulb say to the other lightbulb on Valentine’s Day?
I love you watts.
What do you get when someone stares coldly at you?
Glare ice.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.
Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets? Bootiques.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
What is the favorite punk band of onions? It is a band known as "Good Shallot"!
“What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations? Tinselitis.”
Q: Why are cherries never lonely?
A: Because they hang around in bunches.
Why couldn’t the police arrest the skeleton?
They couldn’t pin anything on him.
A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet!”
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
Why did the pumpkin cross the road? It fell off the wagon!
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
It is ridiculous having a basketball team that lacks a website. Do you mean none of them can string three W’s together?
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?
2 kilo mockingbird
What do you call a dinosaur with a foul mouth? Bronto-swore-us.
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