Pre pear yourself for a bad pun.
Dad: Is that a pear?
*Dad points to pear on the kitchen counter.
Child: Yea...
Dad: Then why is there only one?
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Ten-tickles!
Why shouldn’t you take corn on an airplane?
Your ears will pop!
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.
It's called *Prints of Persia*.
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
Why should you never do math with a tiger?
If you add 4+4 you're gonna get ate.
There was a fire at the yodeling school. Everyone was asked to exit in an orderly orderly orderly manner.
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
I'm not like other keyboards...
I'm qwerty
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
What do you call a dog that sneezes?
Achoo-huahua.
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
Life without you would be un-bear-able.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record.
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
I can’t help but laugh a little when I see a pun about chocolate bars… snickers
After trying out floss for the first time, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.
It truly was a breath of fresh air.
What do you call an alligator that will only eat sacrificed lambs?
A hallaligator.
Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.
Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
Do hairless goats wish they had mohair?
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
How does an otter get into an honest business? Usually through the skylight.
What happened when the two giraffes had a race?
It was neck and neck.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
How does a Spanish dog say Merry Christmas?
Feliz navi-dog.
What did the Mexican wrestler say after he ate a taco that was too spicy?
“It’s okay, I’ll just guac it off”
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
I would talk about Valentine’s Day
But it looks like I missed my date.
My son fell asleep last night with the TV clicker in his hand.
He’s really embraced remote learning.
What happens when you’re alone and you get too cold.
You’re totally ice-olated.
What did the burger meat say to the BBQ? “Is it meat you’re looking for?”
What street does the hippocampus live on?
Memory lane.
Why didn't the brain want to take a bath?
What’s the first line of the pig bible? “In the bacon-ing…”
What are stepfathers called in France?
Faux pas.
Which local sportswriters are most effusive? Those who work in the praise
box!
What do you get when you cross a fridge with a radio? Cool Music
Some people like to play croc-quet.
I was watching a chess champion vs a boxing champion match.
The chess player had a mean right rook!
Real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels.
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