When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
A man named Martin Draw was campaigning for the Senate. He printed up shirts saying “I’m with Draw” to support his campaign. The next day, he wore the shirt to a tennis tournament. When he walked up to the tournament desk, the director handed him his money back and asked him why he couldn’t play.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
Having a ball this weekend with my best friends
What do you call a group of cows that are on top of a hill? High steaks.
While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."
You’re my #1 pick.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!
The spoiled milk always got what it wanted.
What do you call a group of dyslexic crows?
A redrum.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
Why didn't the ghost dance at the party? He had no body to dance with.
Let’s spend some koala-ty time together.
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
A magician wearing a rainbow colored coat is called Hue-dini.
The coffee shop owner was afraid. He wanted to know if the shop had ground to operate in the black.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
Why was the food critic fired?
They didn't reference their sauces
My favorite denim blue jeans just turned brown. I think I will have to call it Dung-arees!
I was driving along the motorway one day when a truck in front of me shed its load of cabbage. Never slaw that coming.
I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.
It was a flop.
Why did the rabbit like the adventure? It was a “hare-raising tail.”
What do you call a Spanish football player with no legs?
Gracias.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
What should you drink before you workout? Sweat-Tea.
Why did the tiger lose at poker?
Because he was playing with a cheetah.
Is this a science class? Because we have great chemistry.
What looks like half a pine tree? The other half.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
How did the gorilla know she was poorly? She had a belly ape.
Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream.
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
The bag of flour was so confused.He thought that he saw his friend the loaf yeast-erday.
What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
Volleyball is air affair. This would be a good motto for your team.
What did Earth say to the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
I cannot espresso
how much you mean to me.
I have bean thinking about you.
What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
What do crocodiles wear to keep their legs dry in the water?
Gaiters.
Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla
What do you call someone who’s crazy about corn?
A corn-ivore!
What did the fruit bowl say when it saw Santa Claus come down the chimney? We wish you a cherry Christmas!
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