What type of weapon does a vegetable knight use?
A-spear-iguess
If you used a keyboard with built-in speakers, you would be...?
Stereotyping.
“Did you hear the forecast for Christmas Eve? They’re calling for rain, dear!”
I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.
The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.
Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.
What is the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a crab with breast implants?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
What happened when the football coach’s dog ran onto the field during a game?
He got called for ineligible retriever down field!
What’s a dog’s favorite condiment?
Fetch-up.
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
Someone left their tea on my desk. It smells so good, but I won't drink it. That's just not my cup of tea.
Ship Captain: Guys, I need help. I don’t remember how to write 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I Captain.
A man fell into a vat of varnish and died
He had a terrible end but a lovely finish.
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed.
It’s forever burned in her mammary.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
Some pink birds can be really rude. I approached a group of them the other day and they screamed “Flamingo away!”
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
Why did the shark cross the great barrier reef?
To get to the other tide.
Why did the butter keep talking? Because he felt like he was really on a roll.
What's the tastiest part of a floppy disk?
The cookie!
What did the evaporating raindrop say?
I’m going to pieces.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
What did the koala radio host say before going on a commercial break? “We’re going to take a small paws for our sponsors.”
Did you hear what happened to the Energizer Bunny? He got arrested for Battery.
Drinking tea while being too calm can kill you, did you know?
It's called a casual tea.
What does Satan shave with?
A hell razor.
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore from my long run—can we take the elevator?
"Lazy bones."
What is the car dealership in Star Wars called?
The Mazda-lorian
What do you call a very slow skier?
A slope-poke.
Where do bats keep their money?
The blood bank.
What do rabbits like to sing? “Every bunny was kung fu fighting.”
What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?
It won’t be long now.
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Keyboard Factory?
He didn't put enough shifts in.
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.
They take their seat and ask the bartender for two draft beers.
The bartender looks at them and says “sorry guys, we don’t serve breakfast here.”
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave to it.
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
There’s only one thing in the truck world that is bigger than a tow truck, and that’s a foot truck.
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
Are you addicted to the ocean and ocean life?
If you are, sea kelp
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
My dyslexia has reached a new owl.
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
Snow on and snow forth.
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