How does a vampire make tea? With a used tampon.
One trick peony.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
If you make a mistake of playing basketball with pigs, they will hog the ball.
Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.
Heard Russia has the vaccine to Coronavirus. I'm probably not Putin that into my body.
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
Did you know that you only need two letters to spell Panda?
You just need P and A.
What do you call an ant who joins the army?
Milit-ant.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite rap artist?
Feta wap.
The national news did a story on my friend's bumper crop of green citrus fruits.
He loves being in the limelight.
What do you get if you cross a tree and a baseball player? Babe Root.
What happened when a man practiced archery near some stationary planes? They ended up very arrow-dynamic.
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a cow? Roost beef!
The reason why soccer players are brilliant in math is because they know how to use their heads well.
What do you call a knight made entirely out of china?
Sir Ramic.
What do you call an eyeless deer?
No-eye-deer.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
Why don’t leprechauns run?
They’d rather jig than jog.
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
Do you want to know what you get when you cross a newborn snake with a basketball? Really! Ooh you will end up with a bouncing baby boa.
Did you hear the little loaves playing hide-and-seek earlier? They kept yelling, “Bready or not, here I come!”
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Count Duckula.
What sound do 8 sheep make?
Octo-bah.
Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
Why can't a tattoo artist be faithful? Because he always has designs on his clients.
What do llamas say when you tell them something obvious?
“No spit, Sherlock.”
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
Call me on the shellphone.
What did the horse reply when asked if it can jump 3 feet?
“I lope so!”
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
Flamingos are great at social events; they flamingle really well.
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
What did the Mexican wrestler say after he ate a taco that was too spicy?
“It’s okay, I’ll just guac it off”
Having a dirt yard instead of grass is a bold move...
But having a giant rock is boulder.
What's the most common form of owl-on-owl violence?
Drive by hooting.
“What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations? Tinselitis.”
Which birds are good at holding things together?
Velcrows.
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
Why are Christmas trees so clean? They know how to spruce things up.
How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.
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