Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!
Are you a 30 degree angle? Because you're acute-y.
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
What noise does a gorilla’s doorbell make?
King Kong
What will you call two quizzers having a date in spain comic con?
Spanish con-quiz-daters.
Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
What’s the one way you should never greet a male pig? “Sow, what’s up?”
Why can't Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
A narwhal is just a tuna-corn.
When everyone agreed with Hulk at breakfast that they love waffles more, he said, "Not all heroes wear crepes."
What do you call a dog that comes back from the dead?
A zom-beagle.
What is a dog’s favorite brand of whiskey?
Jack Spaniels.
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!
Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.
There’s a room with two tables and ten people. One table has soup, and the other table has a punch bowl. All ten people are lined up at the soup table.
Now’s when you ask: where’s the punchline?
What it is it called if you refuse to go running today?
Resistance Training!
What type of flooring do alligators have in their homes?
Rep-tiles.
What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number.
Q: What did the wind turbine say to the engineer after he fixed him?
A: I’m a big fan of your work!
Why did the bat fire a chauffeur?
He drove everyone batty.
Once I tried to paint the sky but I blue it.
National Herbs and Spices Day is celebrated annually on June 10.
The chickpea wrote a book, but he didn't release it until after his death. He wanted to do it post-hummusly.
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
I tried playing baseball in the fog today.
It was a bit hit and mist.
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
I wanted to buy a $30 meal for my father, my grandfather and father-in-law. I figured they'd lump em all together and charge a reduced fee.
But no, I was charged $30 a pop.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
What are the best sandwiches to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy melts!
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
Did you hear the little loaves playing hide-and-seek earlier? They kept yelling, “Bready or not, here I come!”
Why can’t people without feet have dairy products? They lactose.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
Some cherry puns are just pit-i-ful.
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
When he was chewing the skeleton, the wolf got to a point and laughed. I guess that was the funny bone.
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