How do you make dog bread? You use collie flour.
You can forget about winning, princess. Because even Cinderella can’t get to this ball.
What’s a dolphin’s favorite constellation?
The Big Dipper!
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
Overheard on a bus... What do you call a social hermit crab?
Just a crab.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
I made a snap decision to watch football today.
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
If you understand, say "understand".
If you don't understand, say "don't understand".
But if you understand and say "don't understand".
how do I understand that you understand. Understand!?
"That's all, yolks."
What did the flower say when he wanted a second chance?
I’ll grow on you.
An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.
As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.
Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.
"Uncanny!" He thought. "I've arrived at a strange stage of my life".
You’re sleigh-in’ it.
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
Why did the cheerleader add extra salt to her food in the summer?
She wanted to do summer-salts.
What does a winged horse drink from at a party?
A keg-asus.
When autumn arrives, the evergreen tree asked the deciduous tree, "Leafing so soon?'
BREAKING NEWS: Vietnam accidentally sank its own submarine killing all 350 on board
Whoops, wrong sub.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
What’s a horse’s favorite country singer?
Colt-on Underwood.
If Megan Fox is a cake, then what is Amanda Bynes? A fruitcake.
Knock, knock
Who’s there? CIA CIA, who? CI ate your last doughnut!
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
When should you stop for a glow worm? When he has a red light.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
You and I make a deluxe combo.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !
I’m establishing my punning game early today.
What did the squirrel say when his tail got caught in the door?
...It won’t be long now!
What did the father squirrel tell his son?
Acorny joke.
It’s party thyme.
Why are parrots so loyal? They are a man of their bird!
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
When darkness sets in, fungi much like many other organisms go to sleep, but in mush-rooms.
My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
On reflection, vampires aren't actually that scary.
What happens before it starts raining candy?
It sprinkles!
The other day I told a joke about an armored vehicle with a rotating gun turret.
It tanked.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
I miss you! I’ll see you tater!
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
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