My friend has just won the tallest Christmas tree competition
I thought to myself, 'How can you top that?
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
A toast to you:
You always know how to make everything butter.
Some guy asked dad for the WiFi code.
Shrugging his shoulders and giving a sympathetic look, he responded: I can't figure her out either.
"You had me at merlot."
Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president?
Barack Ollama.
Where do rabbits learn how to fly? In the hare force!
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
The density of this concrete leads me to believe one thing: it is a hard court.
Strawberries are considered to be the most bullied fruits because they're always getting picked on.
What do you call a Jamaican man born in Italy?
Reggae-Toni.
Have you ever tried crossing a lion with a flamingo? It will be pink, that’s the mane thing.
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
How can you tell when a coach doesn’t know what they are doing? When the real coach is yelling from in the stands.
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
What do worms leave round their baths? The scum of the earth.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
Q. What do you get when you combine Blue Agave and literature?
A. Tequila Mockingbird
A zebra is the safest place to cross the road. Unless you are actually a zebra.
My friend told me he had to leave the play after Act l. Knowing he'd waited forever to see it, I asked him why. He said the program stated that Act ll was two years later, and he refused to wait that long.
A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."
hat do you call it when a runner from Moscow starts a race at Red Square that ends in Finland?
Russian to the Finnish.
I’m stuck on you like igloo.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator
Why did the orange fall out of the tree?
It went out on a limb.
How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
I always feel like a winner in France, which is great because I hate Toulouse.
The ref keeps shafting us the offsides; I think he's blue lyin'.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway. It’s caused a huge jam.
Love at frost sight!
Why did the lake date the river?
He heard that she had a bubbly personality.
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
Why did the pumpkin cross the road? It fell off the wagon!
What problem did the young bat experience?
The hangout.
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
Well, there are mixed reviews. People say the food is great. But there is no atmosphere or ambience.
What does a mountain often do at its daily meal? It avalunch.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns.
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
The cat’s out of the bag – I love you purry much.
Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.
I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color.
It's sublime!
What is a koala bear’s favorite line in the movie “The Sixth Sense”? “Aussie dead people.”
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