What do you call an eyeless deer?
No-eye-deer.
A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "
Fairies just spell trouble.
My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
What do you call someone from Spain who lives near the Portuguese border?
Span-ish.
You better watch out before you play a game with any bread? Baguette ready to lose.
I'm the life of the paddy.
I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns. They are not bunny anymore.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
Have you heard about the banker who drowned in a river? It was a river of cash.
What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
Winnie the PU!
Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
I got arrested for the way I eat corn.
They charged me with a salt and buttery.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
Why do trees always walk so slowly? All they can do is lumber around.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
When it comes to mermaids growing legs, it's all in the de-tail.
Why don't they make ice cream from breast milk? It's an udderly bad idea!
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
Do black and white count as colors?
It's a gray area.
Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.
Which murderer kills at the bottom of the ocean?
Jack the Kipper.
Do you know what Tinkerbell's tooshie is called?
A fairy tale.
I studied archeology
Now my life is in ruins.
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
Have you wondered what made the strawberry such a smoothie? It is the yoghurt of course.
What do French cherry parents say to their little cherries at home? You are mon cherry.
A sphinx was guarding a road when a traveler walked by.
The sphinx said to the man, "You may pass if you can answer my riddle: What is wider than an ocean, heavier than a mountain, and unbounded by the laws of physics?"
The man thought for a moment and answered, "Imagination."
"Wrong," said the Sphinx. "The answer is your mom."
The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
But i’m dad serious
What is a skeleton’s favorite thing to do with their cell phone?
Take skelfies.
What happens if an elf catches you being naughty?
Yule be sorry!
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
Please wait, bewitcha in a minute.
What do you call a pickle from the southern backwoods.
A hill-dilly.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.
Who puts money under a deer’s pillow when they lose a tooth?
The hoof fairy.
The sweet potato asked the other potato : “How are my eyes? ”
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
If I could change the periodic table, I would put Uranium and Iodine next to each other.
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
Did you hear about the gnome rogue?
Of course not, that g is silent!
A kid at the spelling bee was asked to spell "inward"
A teacher tackled him after the first G
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”
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