What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
You raise the bar.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Loving this road trip, but all this driving is tire-ing!
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear!
This weekend, I will watch a new Irish movie based on a marathon runner who only ate potatoes. It is called Starch Trek.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.
The basketball player sat on the sideline and began sketching pictures of chickens. He was learning how to draw fowls.
What do dog scientists to with their bones?
They barium.
What type of stroke does a classical musician use when swimming?
The Bach stroke!
Wondering what crows prefer with soup, crows like crowtons in their soup.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
On which day do tiger eat people?
Chewsday
After all is sled and done.
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
What do we call a scientist who specializes in pineapples? He might be called a pineappleologist!
Everyone wondered why Cinderella was such a bad player. If only they knew, her coach was a pumpkin.
What do you call dogs who pay in the snow?
Slush puppies.
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
She's my aunt
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
What should you do if you can't afford a fancy trumpet?
Buy a frugelhorn
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
What do you call an alligator who’s your friend?
A pal-igator.
"You are so bottlefull to me."
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
What’s a spiders favorite barbecue food?
Corn on the cobweb.
I've been thinking of U periodically.
Bowlers do not make good employees. This is because for 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
What kind of spells do leprechauns use?
Lucky Charms!
I had my dad proof read an essay of mine back in High School. He said my grammar was a little funny.
Apparently I need to work on my pun-ctuation.
What do you call a werewolf with a fever?
A hot dog.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
My mother says: “Leave that peach cobbler alone on the table!” However, I cannot help myself and sneak in to watch it making beautiful peach shoes.
What do you call a thriller movie involving cars?
Suspension movie.
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
What do you say to comfort a grammar teacher?
They’re, there, their.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, I bet this chair lift weighs enough to break the ice.
What caliber is Chekhov's gun?
Catch-22.
Rivers are...
the original streaming service.
Oranges rarely pass driving tests, this is because they keep on peeling out.
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
Why did the butchers meating end soon? Because one of them started beef.
When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write.
I like New York, unique New York, I like unique New York.
What did the ground say to the earthquake? You crack me up!
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