I left my job at the keyboard factory today. To be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.
What’s the best time for Frankenstein to go to a party?
Fright now.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
Why did the volleyball player not want to travel? Because he had been there and dug that.
I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.
Ship Captain: Guys, I need help. I don’t remember how to write 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I Captain.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
True house cleaners aren't just born
They're maid.
In later years was the Great One in decline? Yes he was on the Wayne.
I used to be addicted to time travel,
but that's all in the past now.
Which tooth did Avogadro have pulled?
One of his mole-ars
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
What happened to the Easter bunny at school? He was eggspelled.
Oh autumn, please don't ever leaf me again.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints!
Why was the werewolf arrested at the butchers shop?
He was caught chop lifting.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
What do you have left after a pig eats a watermelon?
Pork rinds.
What do you call an ant who can’t speak?
A mute ant.
What would you rather be, a polar bear or a little otter. A little (h)otter
The reason why bowling alleys are so quiet is such that you can hear a pin drop.
What do you call a troll that’s in charge?
In control.
What did the father say to his falling son?
Son, you've got potential.
Why can't chefs play baseball? They always get caught trying to steal a basil.
Why did the ski instructor's love life always go downhill? The first thing the ladies noticed about him was his giant slalom.
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
What's a frog's favorite game?
Hop-scotch (or leapfrog).
Why did the bus driver take a long break? He needed a wheel-y good rest!
My sister's laptop is so sassy and fun, it loves to play disc-o music.
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
What is an owl’s favorite Beatles’ song?
Owl you need is love.
Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.
What do you call a pig thats wrong? Mistaken bacon.
What did the fawn who wanted to be a child forever say?
“I don’t want to doe up!”
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."
I keep looking at our upstage platform that is designed with only a ladder for access. It's just so hard not to stair.
Why did the witch fall off her broom mid-flight?
She had a fainting spell!
What is a baby parrot's favourite game? Beak-a-boo!
When you get a rainbow after the rain at least you are moving in the bright direction.
I've just thought of a really funny owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.
When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
Q: Why does the cherry have a hard time getting along with others?
A: It has crust issues.
What is a baker’s favorite type of icing?
Fawn-dant.
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