When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section
You are the coffee to my espresso and I love you a latte.
What do you call a big Irish spider?
A Paddy long legs.
What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
A Carpet
“A mistle-toast to the holiday season.”
My Roomba accidentally rolled out of my front door, and the neighborhood squirrels and rabbits immediately started attacking it.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
The other day a tree asked for my help with kindling a grass route movement.
I said I wood because it's got a lot growing for it.
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport? Plane Chocolate!
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
The weatherman said it might get a bit drizzly outside.
You can expect a Lil’ Wayne.
Which LA King was the total package? Parcel Dionne.
I went fly-fishing yesterday.
All I caught was two bluebottles.
I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
I am really broth-taking when I see the signer vomiting soup.
Did you hear about the woman who complained about her rabbit stew? She said there was a hare in her soup.
What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.
What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race?
You’re toast!
What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A bird that talks your ears off.
What type of person doesn’t like pizza?
A weir-dough.
Keep calm and carrot on.
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
Why did the orange go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.
How do eels travel across the seafloor? By Octo-bus.
If I ever find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him…
With my bear hands.
What's the name of the meatiest Knight of the Round Table? Sir Loin!
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
A family of beavers were walking across a river. During that time, the dad said to the family: “Dam it.”
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
What do you call a fly with no Wings?
A walk.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
Why was the horse sad she didn’t get the job?
She was flanking on it.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
As I was preparing to leave the restaurant, the waiter said to me, “Do you wanna box for your leftover food?”
I said, “No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”
My dog’s favorite band is The Beagles.
There’s a hair in my wine. The grapes must have been fur-mented.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
Why is the giant afraid of Jack?
Because Jack's beanstalking him.
I do wonder why my flamingo friends always do so well in tests and exams. After all, they always just wing it.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
What’s the hardest part about working as a bus driver? Everyone’s talking behind your back.
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