The peach was late for work because it had to make some pit stops on the way.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.
What currency do astronauts use in space?
Starbucks.
What do you call a glove combined with a snake?
Smitten.
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
So, how on earth did the police catch the watermelon thief without a solid description? Don’t really know; guess the bloke was acting seedy.
If Kantie can tie a tie and untie a tie,
why can't I tie a tie and untie a tie like Kantie can.
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
I have a friend who has been diagnosed with a phobia of sausages. She always fears the wurst.
I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning, almost couldn't move!
Luckilly, I called a toe truck.
My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
I eat a ton of corn everyday.
I guess that makes me a cornivore.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
I went to my kid's school for an art exhibition
It was paper view.
What's long, surprisingly bigger than expected, comes in different colors, and everyone wants a ride from?
A limousine.
You are the coffee to my espresso and I love you a latte.
What do you call a pig that does a lot of charity work?
Philanthropig
My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."
Hunting elephants is illegal as ivory well know.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
Did you know Doctor Frankenstein used to be a lonely, lonely man?
Then he learned how to make friends.
"Have an eggs-tra special Easter day."
I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
Which dinosaurs were the best policemen? Tricera-cops.
When were rock puns the funniest?
During the stone age.
What is a vampire who loves eating strawberry jam called? A jampire.
Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn't use proper pun-ctuation!
I whale always love you.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
What do German meat lovers breathe?
Hamburg-air
I fernly beleaf my tree puns are qualitree, you can leaf me alone if you disagreen.
What does a cat lady say on Friday night?
I am drinking wine and feline fine!
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture... But when I got home, the tables were turned
How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
During a family discussion, my father said that grass is not greener than other plants. No one should make a biased grass-umption like that.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
The graphic designer's present company gave her a substantial raise while a rival company also gave a similar offer. I am now caught in hue minds!
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
Broccoli: I look like a tree. Walnut: I look like a brain. Mushroom: I look like an umbrella. Banan Can we change the topic?
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