My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
Why do owls always by mystery novels?
They love hoo-dunits.
What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies!
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
Did you hear the one about the watermelon pirate who went to the Caribbean? Must have desperately wanted to catch some arrgh and arrgh.
My dyslexia has reached a new owl.
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
I have a friend who has been diagnosed with a phobia of sausages. She always fears the wurst.
What do you get if you cross a pelican and zebra? Two streets further away.
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
We have great chemis-tree.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they look silly wearing jackets.
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
Why are bread puns the greatest? They never grow mold.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.
The Secret Service surround the President with twelve cows because they were attempting to beef up their security.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
Have a s-mash-ing birthday!
I got fired from my job as a submarine pilot.
I just don't get it. My performance reviews always said my work was sub-standard.
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
What did the broken hearted skeleton say?
After all to-marrow is another day.
How do astronauts like to eat their ice cream?
Floats.
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
What are the rules in zebra baseball?
Three stripes, and you're out.
What do you call a sneezing big foot in Spanish?
Achoopacabra.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery?
Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?
Teargas.
What did the guy at the party say when he realized there was nothing left to dip his tortilla chip in?
“I’ve hit guac bottom.”
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
When I got my first job at the bowling alley, I was only tenpin.
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
I really like guitars
They just strike a chord with me.
Why do astronauts use linux?
because you can't open windows in space.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”
After graduating from high school, crows go to caw-lleges for further studies.
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
What does a mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra, naturally.
What breed of dog will laugh at any joke?
A Chi-ha-ha
How did the turkey win the talent show? With his drum-sticks.
My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.
Which color is the fastest?
Red, because it is always redy.
A black bloke's back brake-block broke.
What is the definition of “moon”?
The past tense of “moo”.
I’ve found that dressing up like this has truly been an en-witching experience.
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