I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.
I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
What can you serve and never eat? A volleyball!
Why does the paparazzi beaver have a camera pointing towards the river? To keep up with current events and give main-stream updates.
One of the most courageous souls in the world is anybody who looks at a pineapple and thinks that “I bet I would eat it.”
Why was the pig given a red card at the football game?
For playing dirty.
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
If an Octopus were to play football, how many tackles per game would an Octopus have?
Tentacles
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden.
What bee is most indecisive?
A May bee!
Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!
What did the dessert say to the Granny Smith tree?
You’re the apple of my pie.
What do you call an ant that moves to another country?
An emigr-ant.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
Hassock hassock, black spotted hassock. Black spot on a black back of a black spotted hassock.
What did the orange say before he started his new job?
“The zest is yet to come!”
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
Are sasquatches superstitious?
Yes, they always knock on wood!
What do a dog and a cell phone have in common?
They both have collar ID.
My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!” So I peed on it and said…
“That’s for stinging my wife!”
Why haven't the aliens visited earth yet?
They read the reviews... only one star.
Why didn't the ghost dance at the party? He had no body to dance with.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
I told my kids that ketchup can go on anything.
You know, It’s the least condiment denominator.
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
What is a mouse’s favorite game?
Hide and squeak!
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
Oh Sheet
What do you call an immature goat?
A silly billy.
Which Habs great once worked as a janitor? Broom-Broom Geoffrion.
Life without you would be un-bear-able.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?
An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.
Why do psychiatrists study bats?
They want to learn about their hang-ups.
What is a Greek dog’s favorite dessert?
Barklava!
Why can't Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrushes throat.
What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra.
It is now a universal truth that actions speak louder than coaches.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
It means a lot to them.
I tried buying a car from a religious person and got a lemon!
I suppose you get what you prayed for..
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.
Why did the person throw their computer cabinet in the air?
They wanted to store it in the cloud.
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