How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
When you swat a mosquito on your arm
Its death is in vein.
What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I’d like to get to gnaw you.
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
What kind of dog sniffs out flowers?
A bud hound.
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
I'm never sure if I like rocking chairs or not.
I go back and forth on them
What do you call a perfect submarine?
Sub-optimal.
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face? A mouse-tache!
What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.
What country do marathoners retire to?
Iran.
What’s the difference between a lion and a tiger?
A tiger always tells the truth, the other one is always lie-on.
“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.”
Where do players hide their marijuana?
Between the stash marks.
What do moon people do after they get married?What do moon people do after they get married?
Go on their honeyearth.
Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!
What do you call a blind dinosaur? adoyouthinkhesaurus.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An animal who never forgets to eat its carrots.
What did the woodworm say to the chair?
It's been nice gnawing you.
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
She had a photographic memory but never developed it.
An astronaut did a huge crime. He broke the law of gravity and hence, got a suspended sentence.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
What do you call the least popular color in the rainbow? The weakest pink.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
What did Beethoven say to Johann Sebastian when he was helping him parallel park?
“Bach it up.”
What do you call a philosophical fairy?
Thinker-bell.
Kangaroos can grow up to six feet.
Most only grow two.
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
What did the ghost who crashed the Halloween party say? - I’m here for the boos!
There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.
What do you get when you put a bomb in a dinosaur? Dino-mite.
Mom: Why did you shave the peaches!
Dad: The recipe asked for nectarines.
I've started a new band called "Blanket".
We're a cover band
I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
...It was a close call.
How do you make a panda?
Punch a polar bear in the eyes.
Which murderer kills at the bottom of the ocean?
Jack the Kipper.
What do you call the Earth when it is quaking?
Shakesphere.
How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport?
Re:LAX
What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.
How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.
A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.
The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."
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