My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
Beach you to it.
Did you hear about the secret guild of bakers? They say that they only trade recipes on a knead to know basis.
What always goes up whenever the rain comes down? An umbrella.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
I'm a fairy.
My name's Nuff. Fair enough.
What do bees chew?
Bubmble gum.
I have always had acrophobia, but the plane flight brought it to a new height.
What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?
He was told he was not koala-fied.
Recently in a meeting at the greengrocer I work at, I asked my manager how he was doing. "Just peachy", he replied.
"No eggs-cuses."
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flour...
My teacher said, I'm the perfect roll model.
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
Near the town of Hannah Montana people found a dinosaur skeleton.
Scientists identified it as a Mileysaurus.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry?
A hoppercraft.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
I met a girl that owned three french-fry factories. I was impressed but to her it was just small potatoes.
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
What do a phone and an engaged girl have in common? They both have rings.
Why did the deer get braces?
He had buck teeth.
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
Did you hear about the bird that couldn’t pass environmental legislation?
He was a lame duck.
I've got a really good vegetable pun.
I’d tell you but I’m worried you’d think it’s too corny.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a crocodile.
A funeral.
What do sloths throw in winter? Slowballs.
Why did God create Yogi bear?
Because on his first try he made a Boo-Boo.
What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number.
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
Where are dramatic hard drives from?
Oh I/O
Are you a defibrillator? Because you are sending shocks to my heart.
What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.
Q. Which square dancing step do stags enjoy most?
A. The Doe-si-Does.
Dust is a disk's worst enemy.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
"Have an egg-cellent Easter."
I violated grammar rules, so I got punished with the death sentence.
Death.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.
What is Jehovah's witness' favorite band? The Doors.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
What was the inscription on the tomb of Frankenstein’s monster?
HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER. MAY HE REST IN PIECES.
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
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