A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."
If you're Russian when you go to the bathroom, and you're Finnish when you come out of it, what are you when you're inside?
European!
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.
What does Bigfoot do to relax in his spare time?
He goes bird squatching!
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
What’s a ghoul’s favorite love story?
Romeo and Ghouliet!
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo,
I had to put my foot down.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.
I thought they'd be smaller.
Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.
The dog didn’t want to play soccer because it was a boxer.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
I can sea clearly now.
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
Does a water bed become bouncier when you fill it up with spring water?
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
How do pink birds make friends? They fla-mingle.
Coming to Theaters: The thrilling tale of a man who cooked biographical books like turkey on Thanksgiving.
*Baste on a True Story...*
I lost my grip, and my beer shattered on the floor.
This Corona outbreak is really getting out of hand.
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
How do you greet a five-headed ghoul?
Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello!
What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
My family visited a rude psychic, with degenerative bone disease, who insisted all of us had bad breath.
She was a super callous fragile mystic expecting halitosis.
What was the dog’s favorite book?
Winnie the Pooch. He loves to read a lot of story tails before bed.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
Q. What do you call an entertaining gorilla eating a banana?
A. Ape peeling.
Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.
Ghosts drop off their babies at the day-scare centre when they go to work.
Why are cars so cheeky?
Because they are fuel of it.
What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
Rebel without a Claus.
Who were Gumby’s favorite Bible characters?
Shadrack, Meshack & AhBENDago.
How many middle-hitters do you need to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but the the setter has to put it perfectly in their hand first.
What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
Blue jeans are immortal. They never die, they just fade away!
How does Mr. Bean introduce himself in Spain?
Soy Bean.
Crabgrass in my lawn is always fighting to prevent good grass seed from rooting...
Guess you could say I'm caught in the middle of a turf war
After the guy broke his arm skiing, he realized it was all downhill from there.
What is Jack Frost’s favourite mode of transport?
A Tr-Ice-cycle
Why did the duck cross the road?
He was tied to the chicken.
When you cross summer sun with summer pun you get summer fun.
An astronaut did a huge crime. He broke the law of gravity and hence, got a suspended sentence.
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