I went to a mansion but everyone had bad etiquette.
It was a Bad Manor.
What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
When the going gets tough, let the pins fall where they may.
One smart fellow, he felt smart.
Two smart fellows, they felt smart.
Three smart fellows, they felt smart.
Four smart fellows, they felt smart.
Five smart fellows, they felt smart.
Six smart fellows, they felt smart.
Trumpester: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.
What is soap's favorite brand of beer?
Sud-light
"Oh, I wanna dance with some bunny, with some bunny who loves me."
What did the horse reply when asked if it can jump 3 feet?
“I lope so!”
What do you call an explosive horse?
Neigh-palm.
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
The tiny bag of flour got in trouble, so his mother sent him to bread early. He kneaded to be punished.
What kind of cheese do rodents like?
Mousearella.
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
Baking on Easter Sunday
Crust is risen! Hallelujah!
“Deck the Halls with Bows on Collies.”
My keyboard fell apart today.
I feel like I'm losing Ctrl of everything.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes
That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range.
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
What does the mummy parrot say to her baby? Beak-areful!
What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Seasoning.
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
Do you know what is the most favourite fruit in the United States? – Mmm peach!
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?
They prefer a casual tea.
A group of crows drooling over a pastry is called a-tempted murder.
March 17 is near, and I am so excited about it. The clover it gets, the more excited I become.
What do you call Bigfoot from Canada?
Sasquatch-ewan.
What does pooh eat at parties?
Blue bear-y pie.
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
Where do apes like to cook their sausages?
On the gorilla.
What country do marathoners retire to?
Iran.
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
What is a criminal group of kangaroos called?
A gangaroo.
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
What did the deer’s mother say to her daughter on her birthday?
“I remember the day you were fawn!”
Brace yourselves kids!
Our dentist is shutting down.
What did the ghoul say to the clown on Halloween?
Tag, you’re it!
A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."
How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!
My chair finally broke down yesterday.
It just doesn't give a sit anymore.
When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
Ireland is pitcher perfect.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
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