What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
"Put me in coach."
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
Rivers are...
the original streaming service.
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
If I could change the periodic table, I would put Uranium and Iodine next to each other.
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
You’ll be Dublin your fortune soon.
What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.
Why do cats like computers the best?
Cuz they have a mouse.
Why do flowers always drive so fast?
They put the petal to the metal.
I used Brylcreem this morning to slick back my hair like my father used to do. My wife asked me what I was doing.
I said, "I'm having a dad hair day."
Why was the pine tree always in trouble? It kept being knotty.
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.
I was driving along the motorway one day when a truck in front of me shed its load of cabbage. Never slaw that coming.
Did you hear about the artist that has been drawing very small, colorful noodles?
He drew an itsy, bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka dot linguini.
How do you know when a potato is high? When it looks baked!
Scientists have found that the center of Jupiter… has the letter i.
How to fish like to eat cereal?
In a fish bowl!
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
After all is red and done, all the colors in the rainbow are equally beautiful.
You know what really bugs me?
Insect puns.
Once I tried to paint the sky but I blue it.
Did you hear about one flower who went on a date with another flower?
It’s a budding romance.
What does a flower say when they’re offering you a job?
Take it or leaf it.
Did you hear about the flower who was struck in a hit and run?
She was leafed for dead.
Did you hear about the ocean and sea having a baby?
It was a buoy!
When you cross an orange and a bunny, you will end up with a pip squeak.
How many sheets could a sheet slitter slit if a sheet slitter could slit sheets?
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
What animal could Noah not trust?
Cheetah
If trees could kill you, they wood.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
I would talk about Valentine’s Day
But it looks like I missed my date.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
What is a vegan Viking called?
A Norvegan.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son
"Beehive!"
What did the skiier say when his standup act was going downhill fast?
There snow possible way these puns could be more painful.
I thought I'd have some evaporated milk on my pudding. But when I opened it, it was empty.
My Gourd, Autumn is so fall of herself!
I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
There was a flamingo in our garden for such a long time, we started calling it a flaminstay.
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
I was talking to this guy about how I hate geometry. You know what he said to me.
You just have to look at it from a different angle.
What did the pickle say when he was told he was going in to a salad?
I relish the thought.
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