How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.
Call me on the shellphone.
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian...
Then Soviet
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Hurricane
Hurricane who?
Hurry! Cane you jog away from the storm?
The tree got so tired of fighting with autumn, that he said, "Enough is enough! I'm leaf-ing".
We've been driving all day, I need a brake.
My suitcase started crying when I picked it up. I was carrying emotional baggage.
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
Which is the Richest Cheese in the world? Paris Stilton.
Which day do fish hate the most?
Fry-day.
What kind of vehicle does Bigfoot drive?
A big toe-truck.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
Free Wifi!
Why? Was Mr. Wifi wrongfully accused or something?
Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?
How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Buoyant!
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
Who does May like the best?
April Showers, because April Showers brings May flowers!
Irish potatoes are spud-tacular.
But wait—there’s myrrh.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
The Greeks make the best cheese
You feta believe it!
How were these puns about puns?
They were pun-questionably pun-fortunate!
What do you call a month’s worth of rain?
England.
Do you think anyone will buy the new furniture made by Apple?
iWood
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
How does a kangaroo pick his favorite baseball team?
He jumps on the bandwagon.
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
Why do so few vegetarians become competitive swimmers?
They don’t like the swim meats!
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
What do you call a pig who can’t mind his own business?
A nosey porker!
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
I tried playing baseball in the fog today.
It was a bit hit and mist.
What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!
What’s the best way to settle church disputes?
With canons.
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning? "Excuse Me... ahem... To be or not to be roasted, that is the question!"
Even during thunderstorms, Santa can still deliver presents because raindeers fly his sleigh.
I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
There's a basic difference between weather and climate: you can't weather a tree, but you can definitely climate.
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."
Football pitches are almost always so wet. This is because soccer players dribble a lot.
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