I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
I'm reading a horror story in Braille and something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it.
Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!
What is a cow's favorite deli meat? Bull-ogna!
While cuddling my girlfriend, I whispered "Honey, this isn't working out for me."
Then I rolled off the bed and started doing push-ups. "This is working out for me!"
You mermake me happy.
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
There’s only one thing in the truck world that is bigger than a tow truck, and that’s a foot truck.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in existence? It’s pasteurized before you ever notice.
How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!
Why does a duck say quack?
Because it can’t say moo.
Now I know why people love footballers – especially the goalies, they are real keepers.
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
Most unicorns start off as poor hunters until they can really horn their skills.
One bowl of soup said to the other, "Hello Broth-er".
Why do the French eat snails? They dislike fast food.
What will you call two quizzers having a date in spain comic con?
Spanish con-quiz-daters.
I always put my money in drums
Because it’s a sound investment.
What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.
What did Papa cabinet advise to his Son cabinet before his first date?
"Just be youshelf"
The main difference between the weather and a horse is that one rains down while the other is reined up.
What’s a pig’s favorite color? Ma-hog-any.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
I would talk about Valentine’s Day
But it looks like I missed my date.
Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.
How does a koala get from one place to another? On a gondkoala.
Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.
What do you call a pig thats wrong? Mistaken bacon.
I hit a crow in my truck one day, and it flew into the next lane and landed on a police car. I was ticketed for flipping the officer the bird.
Why did the orange come back after it was thrown in the garbage?
It was a boom-orange.
Do you find bone puns humerus?
What did the dog order at a restaurant?
His owner’s homework.
Why did the beaver refuse to laugh at any of the twig's jokes? He is not a big fan of dry humor.
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
The ocean doesn't like to say hello, it just waves.
What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!
How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?
Squid marks.
Car Salesman: And if you don't like this color, we have another one in "Boulder Gray"
Me: Gray isn't very bold to begin with, how did you make it bolder?
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.
Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine
A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died.
She is sadly mist.
How can you tell that it’s Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
Because he has sesame seed buns.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
Why did the ghoul bury the trophy?
Because he wanted it engraved!
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
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