My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
Q: Why could the fruits not see anything?
A: It was peach black there.
Whale, hello there.
What is the king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Hail, of course!
A beaver asked his fellow beavers to hurry up and said, "Water you waiting for, make haste."
What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.
What do you call a cold penguin?
A Brrr-d.
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
All my neighbours bought the same set of stereos...
When will they stop stereotyping?
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
Wind carried the sound of two people mocking each other to my ears.
I was in diss-gust.
The farmer cried wolf when all his three pigs were mauled by the jungle wolf.
Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.
What is a butcher’s favorite Elvis Presley song? Love Meat Tenders.
What do dogs like to drink? Kit-Tea.
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.
I heard that my neighbor, who loved dried fruit, has passed away. May his soul rest in peach.
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
Tie twine to three tree twigs.
What do you call a white bear that's shaped like a tooth?
A Molar Bear.
“Did you know that Father Christmas has a daughter? Her name is Mary Christmas.”
What do you call a hangover when you're alone in Spain?
Barf-a-lona.
Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.
Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to Thanksgiving?
Because he wouldn't share the drumsticks.
Why was the pun a bad comedian?
He never got the pun-chline right!
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
I like to tell this one joke about homemade bombs
But it always blows up in my face.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
What does a trumpet and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
I was conned into believing that my hotel room in Moscow had free Wifi.
I remember the ad saying: Internyet.
I banged my bike against the wall today. it was wheelie unfortunate.
Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.
I used to be pretty nifty tap dancer...
Until I fell into the sink.
What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid!!!
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
What did the pony say to the Jedi Knight before she left on her adventure?
“May the horse be with you.”
In the Camel Kingdom, the king and his family live in the Camelot castle.
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security
They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.
How many cans can a cannibal nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans?
As many cans as a cannibal can nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans.
Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.
A spectator at a baseball game wondered why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit him.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
Dreaming in color is the artist's pigment of imagination.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
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