What did the banana do when he saw a monkey? The banana split!
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
I tried buying a car from a religious person and got a lemon!
I suppose you get what you prayed for..
Q. What is a popular search engine for ghosts?
A. GHOULgle!
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.
I feel like Medusa was in some rocky relationships.
What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?
One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.
What’s black and white and yellow?
A cowardly panda.
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.
What do you call a royal giraffe?
Your highness.
What does an owl with an attitude have?
A scowl.
The scientists decided to clean up the Thames because it had a dirty mouth.
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
Why did they arrest the volleyball player? They suspected foul play.
What do you call an annoying person who plays the trumpet?
A brasshole.
Why didn’t the lady skeleton wear a bikini?
Because she was big boned.
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
Wel'l Wel'l Wel'l - if it isn't autocorrect.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
If ten zombies run after you, what time is it?
Ten after one.
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
Love's a feeling you feel when you feel
you're going to feel the feeling you've never felt before.
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
What do you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman? A dead ringer.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
What do you call a dog that’s been left outside in the cold?
A chili dog.
What do athletes drink before games? Sport-Tea.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
What did the doctor tell the skeleton who wanted to donate his body to science?
Spine on the dotted line.
I now pronounce you husband and wifi
You may kiss the bride goodbye.
Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.
What’s a skeleton’s second favorite instrument?
A sax-a-bone.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.
What is a vegan Viking called?
A Norvegan.
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
Why did the orange come back after it was thrown in the garbage?
It was a boom-orange.
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
I like my matches like my tennis balls: Pressureless.
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