Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
What are the cat police called? The claw Enforcement.
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
What do you call a werewolf that's found the cure for lycanthropy?
A lycan'tthrope.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section
When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."
Did you hear about the skeleton who dropped out of medical school?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
My neighbor said a man walked into my garden and stole my mangoes.
I am wondering where did that mango.
Why do benched players always seem to look so wise? They don’t have to look like fools on the floor and entertain the crowds.
I guess you can say my misunderstanding of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles
Elbow.
I want to start a deer breeding business…
But first, I’m gonna need about 5,000 bucks.
Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.
Potato puns are a-peeling.
Where's the weak spot on a Scottish goalie? The fief hole.
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
Hey you like cherry preserves ?
Never mind, its probably not your jam
Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.
Q: What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?
A: Fowl weather.
What do you call dudes who love math?
Algebros.
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
Why wouldn’t the ghost eat liver? He didn’t have the stomach for it.
I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
Why didn’t the boy believe the tiger? Because he thought it was a lion!
What does Spider-man become when he joins the circus?
an aracnobat.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".
What do you call a thirsty bee?
Beehydrated
All the grasses were bumping into each other because the grass-light wasn't working in the streets.
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
Did you hear about the potato that got its head chopped off? It was decap-potatoed.
Why do zombies speak Latin?
It’s a dead language.
What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.
What is the similarity between a superhero and an onion? They both have layers.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cold.
How could you tell the horse was getting old?
It was wither-ing away.
What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!
I always invite the mushroom to my party because he is such a fun-guy.
I bought an old stereo.
My wife has her doubts, but I think it's a sound investment.
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