Would you mind watching my pet parrot while I’m out, as long as it’s not too much of a birden?
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.
I thought they'd be smaller.
What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!
I can’t believe I framed the ball in for a winner. Shank you!
I have to pay for a bus ticket?
I guess it's only fare
What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
Keep Your Friends Close, Your Utility Keys Closer.
The young woman decided to become a professional baker. She realized that it could help her earn her bread and butter.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
What’s a vampire’s favorite cocktail?
A Bloody Mary.
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
Wholey-grain! You really bread my mind!
My heart is like an onion...
I'm never getting a discount organ transplant again
One strawberry said to the other, “Were it not that you were so sweet, you wouldn’t have ended up in this jam.”
Why do werewolves howl at the moon?
Because no one else will do it for them!
Why are two parrots better than one? One parrot can't carry a coconut, but toucan!
It's true what they say about scaring vampires with a torch.
You can see it in their fright of light response.
What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
Don’t be hay-tin on autumn!
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
Why couldn't the garden gnome run in the marathon?
Because he's not part of the human race!
Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled...
But it's hard to say...
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.
Q: What did the wind turbine say to the engineer after he fixed him?
A: I’m a big fan of your work!
What do you call a flying monkey?
A hot air baboon.
What do you call an electrically charged seal?
A seal ion.
What do you call solid gold bananas? A bunch of money.
My sister's laptop is so sassy and fun, it loves to play disc-o music.
What's a frog's favorite game?
Croak-et.
Q: How do you stop newspapers from flying away on windy days?
A: Use a news anchor!
How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.
This is snow laughing matter!
What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.
What does a dog wear when it’s cold outside?
A pet-ticoat.
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
Whenever two vegetarians fall in love, you know that’s going to be a great pear. Now lettuce celebrate, because we all love vegetables.
Why was the skeleton a success at work?
He had a head for business.
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette?
“They call it “Nico-tang”
I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
How do you know that it's too cold outside for a picnic?
You chip your tooth on the soup.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.
What do you say to an astronaut looking for a car park
There's a spaceman.
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