What was Michael Jackson's favorite Spanish food?
Jamon!
I won an argument about weather forecasting accuracy. My fellow debater's logic was cloudy. After his defeat, he was fuming and he stormed out of the room.
What happens before it rains candy? It sprinkles.
What does the mummy parrot say to her baby? Beak-areful!
What’s the difference between a punter and punster?
A punster gets his kicks with bad puns like these!
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a pot. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
My doctor says I should get my ears cleaned every 12 months.
I think he means ear-ly.
My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.
What's a werewolf's favorite mode of transport?
A lunar cycle.
I was supposed to play the trumpet
But I blew it.
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?
It's counterproductive.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
Setters do it better. This sounds like a good motto to put on a T-shirt.
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
I like my matches like my tennis balls: Pressureless.
I can't believe I can't see the bottom of the ocean.
It's unfathomable.
I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized I'm in Seine.
Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.
A big black bug bit a big black dog on his big black nose!
Beaver jokes
Can be pretty dam funny.
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
What's the difference between Cloepatra and King Arthur?
One had Camelot and one had a lot of camels.
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?
It’s cool.
What is a car’s favourite sport?
Soc-car.
Friend of mine got sacked as a set designer for not producing anything. He didn't make a scene.
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
The next round the wolf showed up at the butchery, he was arrested. This is because he was being tracked by the police for chop lifting.
The best thing ever to put in a strawberry pie is your teeth.
Where do cows go to celebrate New Years Eve? To a meat ball!
What makes a glow worm glow?
A light meal!
If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
Snowbows.
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
What are the best kind of flowers to get your girlfriend after screwing up?
Whoopsie Daisies
If you were a triangle, you’d be acute one.
How can you spot a fashionista donut?
They’re into all the latest glazes.
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
Officer: “I’m sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck.”
Me: ”Yeah I know, but she’s got a great personality though!”
Ringo, John snd George walked into an electric guitar shop...
They were less Paul.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
Who put the Howl in Halloween?
Not ghouls just the people they ate!
What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
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