My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
The peach was late for work because it had to make some pit stops on the way.
Why did people stop going to the ghoul hospital?
They kept coming out dead!
Did you hear about the two bats meeting? It was love at first bite!
I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.
I snuggle to get through these winter days.
What do you say when your horse proposes to your other horse?
Call the marrier!
What’s the difference between a comma and a cat?
One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the pause.
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
Why are winter days great?
They’re snow much fun!
What do you call a gushing keyboard?
sqwerty
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.
Interesting fact: A nectarine can also be a peach if it does not have peach fuzz.
My sheep-powered computer was starting to run slowly
So I added more ram
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
I replaced the milk in the milk carton with lemon juice.
People were really sour about it.
What is a flamingo's favorite thing to do at the weekend? Play fla-bingo.
I nearly kicked my dog out, but we renegotiated the terms of his leash.
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
I think you're mer-mazing.
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
One of my mother's friends asked if she could be a surrogate
I guess she was just looking for a womb for rent.
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
What steps do you take when you see a tiger running towards you? Big ones!
How do you catch a unique bunny? Unique up on it.
I put a blanket on a small pepper
He said he felt a little chili
What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.
I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns. They are not bunny anymore.
What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?
"It was shockingly powerful. Like, it really Hertz"
What do golf and se* have in common?
They’re two things you can enjoy even if you’re bad at both of them.
What do zombies call a battle between classical music composers where one of them loses their mind?
A de-Bach-le.
What game do little bats like to play?
Batty fight.
Why does the fairy kingdom smell so awful?
Because of all the toad stools.
Whale, hello there.
The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.
“What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations? Tinselitis.”
Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
What is a koala’s favorite Christmas carol? Deck the halls with boughs of holly, koala-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!!!
Why does every watermelon want to be in the Guinness book of records? Because there’s a lot of watermelon smashing to be done.
I saw a pun on chocolate bars but it wasn’t that fun
So I just snickered.
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
What do you call someone who lost her Marital arts tournament?
Divorced.
Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
If you can think of a better fish pun than me
Then let minnow.
Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"
Today I went to the bee store
And I wanted 12 bee's but when I checked out the cashier gave me 13 and I asked him why he gave me 13 instead of 12 and he said it was a free bee.
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