Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
Why don’t readers have extra time? They’re booked.
Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
What did the duck who learned physics say?
Quark, quark.
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.
Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
She was no spring chicken.
The next person that asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade, and a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a “punch.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?
Your spine.
What is a witch's favorite makeup?
A ma-scare-a.
Why did the artist have to go to the bathroom right away? Because when you gotta Van Gogh, you gotta Van Gogh.
I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
When in France, I have Nantes-thing to complain about.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Q. Whay aren't gorillas afraid of zombies?
A. Because the ape-ocalypse doesn't frighten them.
How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport?
Re:LAX
What cartoon do horses like to watch?
Whinny the Pooh.
You are just like my car because you drive me crazy.
What do you call a witch's spotless garage?
A broom closet.
Someone told me that it takes 5 sheep to make a sweater.
I didn't know they could knit!
What did the cow that was struck by lightning say?
I'm udderly shocked.
I thought Lord Of The Flies was about entomology.
It really bugs me that it isn't.
A man fell into a vat of varnish and died
He had a terrible end but a lovely finish.
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.
While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
What does a baby vampire say before going to bed?
- Turn on the dark, I’m scared of the light.
How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.
Who's the scariest dancer ever?
The Boogie Man.
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
What do you get when you cross a dog with a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
My last chess game went a bit medieval.
We both went for the castle.
Which sports team do wine lovers always root for?
The Reds!
There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.
If a lamb and tiger were crossed, you would end up with a striped sweater.
Everyone said the wind was powerful. So, I went outside and was blown away.
Why did the beaver stop cutting down trees?
The work gave him gnawsea
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams!
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
What do you call Chewbacca with chocolate stuck in its fur?
chocolate chip wookiee.
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
Tesla just announced they’ll be including a bottle of their new cologne now with every car sold
It’s called Elon’s Musk
What did Shakespeare say when he was angry with his Dalmatian?
Out, out, damned spot.
Two European frogs discuss their ancestry
"So, are you a complete french frog?"
"No. I'm a tad-pole."
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? Because she had no guts!
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