It's not the cough that carries you off,
it's the coffin they carry you off in!
I banged my bike against the wall today. it was wheelie unfortunate.
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
What should you do if a car is annoying you.
Give the car a head rest.
What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.
What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
I thought about studying the astronomy for my university. But then I thought, I would just be taking up space.
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass
My two cats had a fight today.
They soon hissed and made up though.
The artist painted himself into a corner, leading to his death.
What is a car’s favourite band?
Van Halen.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
What do you get when you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head.
I feel pretty shore this is going to be the best summer yet.
Why was the teenager deer a bad driver?
He didn’t want to use the deering wheel.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
We did not understand what the mother turtle was saying because it was all in ridleys.
Why did the bank have the squirrel arrested?
He was foraging checks.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
Who would win a game of hide and seek between a dalmatian and a tiger? The tiger because he wouldn't be spotted.
I like big punts and I cannot lie
I'm trying to break the ice, but you just keep giving me the cold shoulder.
There was a minimum of cinnamon in the aluminium pan.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
Q. Which kind of cheese is made fom deer milk?
A. Moose-erella.
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
Local weather reports state there won't be any rain for 1 year, but I drought it.
What’s a horse’s favorite country singer?
Colt-on Underwood.
Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?
Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!
After his teeth were cleaned, the werewolf ate the dentist.
On a recent flight, my friend asked me, "If the door suddenly opens, you think we will fall out?
I said, "No, we will still be friends."
What do you call a fly with no Wings?
A walk.
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
What is a koala’s favorite pop singer? Koala Rae Jepsen. Her most popular song? “Koala Me Maybe”.
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
What do you get when you put four ducks in a box?
A box of quackers.
An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
I woke up in the middle of the night and found all the blankets on my bed were missing.
I was scared sheetless.
What's all wet and likes to shake? It's an earthquake on a rainy day.
A beaver's experience in college deep-ends on if they go to the best university.
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
The airline lost my luggage, and so I sued them. Unfortunately, I lost the case.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
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