Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
Because Noah was standing on the deck.
What Kind of Books do Rabbits Read? Ones with Hoppy Endings.
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!
“Mom, what do we have for this dinner?” – “I cannot tell you. It is a little soup-prise, son!”
After his teeth were cleaned, the werewolf ate the dentist.
What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?
Bone Jovi.
When he was chewing the skeleton, the wolf got to a point and laughed. I guess that was the funny bone.
Why did the fruit run for president? He wanted world peach.
Why can't you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
"learn to play piano by ear!"
"Thanks, I'd rather use my fingers."
What did the squirrel say to its baby before it had to leave?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
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How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up
That raven is so stubborn at times, he just needs to crow up.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
What do you call a Stegosaurus with carrots in its ears? Anything you want, it can't hear you!
What type of fruit includes Barium and double Sodium? BaNaNa.
What kind of cookies do poor people want during Halloween? Fortune cookies.
The science teacher decided to take her class out on a field trip to the mountains because all the kids in her class desperately needed higher grades.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
What does a trumpet and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.
What does a skunk’s car run on?
Fumes.
My Gourd, Autumn is so fall of herself!
I whale always love you.
Q: What do you call a windmill swallowed up by a tornado?
A: A wind meal
What do you call someone from Spain who lives near the Portuguese border?
Span-ish.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
What vehicle does a grammar teacher drive?
A Syllabus.
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after.
Q: What’s a tiger’s favorite color?
A: Roar-range.
What's better than having roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ....
What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater.
Did you hear about the comedian who entertained at a werewolves’ party?
He had them howling all night.
What’s a zombie’s favorite toy?
A dead-y bear.
What do you call two days of rain in a row in Seattle?
The weekend.
An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep. The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed shilly-shallied south. These sheep shouldn’t sleep in a shack; sheep should sleep in a shed.
What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? Philadelphia.
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
One time, while visiting a river town, my brother was hungry and I fed him freshly made stream buns.
An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.
As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.
Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.
"Uncanny!" He thought. "I've arrived at a strange stage of my life".
Why do seals have trouble eating bread?
Because they're seal-iacs.
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