As long as your dog sticks by your side.
Anything is paw-sible.
We all know that the New England Patriots have their soup in the Super Bowl.
My Wifi password is "writtenontherouter"
And I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it's literally "writtenontherouter".
Q: What’s the fastest way to make a skeleton?
A: Put a leper in a wind tunnel
A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.
I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.
An immature pineapple is often worse than a mature currant.
What does Earth get on Earth day ?
A birthday quake !
Onions are great gymnasts as they have the advantage of swinging on the onion rings.
What did the bus say to the frog? Hop on.
What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?
“Donut hole me back.”
How did the monster predict his future?
With the horror-scope!
It's ok to be negative if you find yourself in a thunderstorm.
You probably won't get struck by lightning.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
Why did the skeleton need a hug?
Because he had nobody.
Why couldn’t the pig tie his shoelaces? He was too ham-fisted.
A quadriplegic man became famous playing beautiful piano classics with only his nose, ears, chin, and forehead.
Before going on stage to perform, his tour manager would say, "Alright John. It's time to face the music."
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
I only like smooth leather
and my opinion will never be suede.
What do you call one green onion that doesn't listen to anyone and is very naughty? It is called a rapscallion!
I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.
Because they got turtle recall, turtles never forget.
The clients who buy from our gardening store are grass-ured that the artificial lawn grass would not lose its color with use.
What is a medieval owl called?
A knight owl.
A ship wanted to travel from the Pacific to the Arctic
But it just couldn't get its Bering Strait.
A family of beavers were walking across a river. During that time, the dad said to the family: “Dam it.”
What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!
Why is a pineapple so attractive? Because it keeps its juices flowing.
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
Each year, lots of wolves go treating in howl-o-ween.
The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran
Would Gretzky have changed his name in order to play in Mexico?
Yes, The Great Juan did what it takes.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice Skating before it was cool.
What do you call a mythical being working in a smoothie store?
Mejuicea.
The queen’s favorite form of precipitation is the reign.
What type of car would a regular horse buy?
A Fjord Focus.
What Do You Call A Cat That Swallows A Duck?
A duck-filled-fatty-pus
What did the cloud say to the rainbow? Thank you for adding color to my day.
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
Me and my sister used to be like peas in a pod, but recently she's become too snap-pea.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in existence? It’s pasteurized before you ever notice.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
Whale, hello there.
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