My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
I have a heart-on for you.
We are mint to be.
What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!
Why didn't the snowman go to the party?
He had snowone to go with!
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
How do you make a telephone in the jungle?
With toucans and a piece of string.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
What did the mathematician do at the baseball game?
Square root for the home team.
You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer. Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
I really wish my five-year-old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a treehouse in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…
Took me twenty years to grow that thing!
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?
Because lightning strikes the highest object.
What is a mouse’s favorite game?
Hide and squeak!
Which Nordique great has recurring ligament problems? Peter Spaz-knee!
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
I was very surprised to hear those insane rapping skills from my green onions. It had lived up to its name of rapscallion.
What do you call a werewolf who doesn't know he's a werewolf ?
Unawarewolf.
Why did the bus driver take a long break? He needed a wheel-y good rest!
When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,
I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
Tropic like it's hot.
Q. How do you start a letter written to Sears Roebuck?
A. Deer Sirs..
The viking Rudolph the Red looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain.
His wife asked him, “What makes you say that?”
He replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
I like you a latte.
My father said that there was a bug on my computer. The bug was trying to eat one byte at a time.
My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed.
It’s forever burned in her mammary.
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
What kind of horse do you ride after dark?
A night mare.
Did you hear about the two bats meeting? It was love at first bite!
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
What did the deer say when he left the barbershop?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
Sasquatch often gets mistaken for Bigfoot.
Yeti never complains.
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
What do you call a squirrel with no nuts?
A female squirrel.
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
If a purple-colored fruit gets stuck in your drain, then you should call a plum-ber to fix it.
Where do penguins go to the movies?
At the dive-in!
What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!
The investigative journalist said that he would reveal all the in-cider information this fall.
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
When you come across a lost wolf, the first greeting should be, “how are you where-wolf”.
The reason you will see all the cows lie down when it starts to rain is because they want to keep each
udder dry.
Apparently my password needs to be capitals only so I've changed it to LONDONMADRIDROME.
What kind of wine do traffic cops like best?
Fine wine!
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
I swear I was born in the wrong generation. Nowadays everyone is addicted to their phones.
I wish I was born in the 80's when everyone was addicted to Cocaine.
Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
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