The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.
How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
Writers have great climaxes.
Dad: "Knock, knock!" Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!
How to fish like to eat cereal?
In a fish bowl!
What do you call it when Dr. Frankenstein makes tea?
A monstrositea.
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
What’s a rabbit’s favorite game? Hopscotch!
What did fog do to make the captain angry? He mist the boat.
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
Why did the orange become juice?
It couldn't handle the pressure.
What do you call a fruit that is rough around the edges? A bad apple.
What did the deer say after she did her friend a favor?
“You doe me!”
Q. What do you get if you cross a devilish deer with an evil cougar?
A. A hell cat.
These sea monster jokes are so funny.
They had me kraken!
Who’s an apple’s favorite relative?
Granny.
Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum? Because they can't afford new ones!
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
Can you explain why your neighbor’s yard is so messy and overgrown?
“We’d never.”
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!
How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.
"You're poaching all my best yolks."
Loving this road trip, but all this driving is tire-ing!
It’s lonely between Germany and Spain
Not many France, nobody’s Nice to me, everyone seems to be Lyon. It’s just Eiffel.
This autumn, the garden told the mower to leaf him alone in peace.
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
After hearing about my history major, my dad said, “You should go visit Italy in late August.Then you can witness The Fall of Rome."
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
When I got my first job at the bowling alley, I was only tenpin.
The skeleton ordered a cabernet wine with a full body because he didn't have one.
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
What did the kitten say after a disaster? That was cat-astrophic
What do you call a cat that is scared of small spaces? Clawstrophobic!
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
Why do skeletons get sick on windy days?
It goes right through them.
I like to tell this one joke about homemade bombs
But it always blows up in my face.
I tried riding a camel instead of a horse once.
It had its ups and downs.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”
When I went to my favorite Irish cafe after years, I felt deja brew all over again.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frost bite.
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