What do you call a married couple who compete in the marathon side-by-side?
Running mates.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
Where did the garlic clove go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
I got an email today saying I could win $10,000 in a fishing competition.
But I'm sure there's a catch involved somewhere.
What did the husband say when his wife told him he bought the wrong flowers?
"Oopsie daisy!"
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
I’d like to throw away my old can, but my pusher friend here says he loves junk balls.
Why are dinosaurs no longer around? Because their eggs stink.
Why did the monster call his werewolf “Frost”?
Because frost bites!
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
What do runners eat before a big race?
Fast food.
We have great chemis-tree.
Why did the bat look for a job?
She was tired of hanging around.
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
If you're in a food fight, always throw peas. We need to give peas a chance.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
I would talk about Valentine’s Day
But it looks like I missed my date.
I keep thinking I'll make breakfast pancakes, but I end up waffling.
What did the mother bread tell her baby roll? You really are the apple of my rye.
Why is Frankenstein always asking for help?
He’s looking for someone to give him a hand.
What does a mom of a football fan hate the most?
A messi room.
What do you call a Minotaur in a playground?
A swing and a myth.
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
Two tiny timid toads trying to trot to Tarrytown.
Someone told me that it takes 5 sheep to make a sweater.
I didn't know they could knit!
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
Where do ghosts play golf?
On a golf corpse.
Why are cats such great singers? Because they’re very mewsical
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
What is the best way for fungi to grow? You must give it as mushroom as possible!
How do you upset a dinosaur? Touchasaurus Spot.
Q: What time is it when a tiger walks into the room?
A: Time to get out of the room.
The favorite soccer position for ghosts is the ghoul keeper.
Q: What video games do fruits play?
A: Peach ball.
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
Working as a dock hand is hard,
but it's wharf it.
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.
A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
Why did the cheese shop owner finally quit the business?
He was tired of the daily rind.
Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they'll change it back.
It's only a phase, after all.
I’m going green, if you know what I mean.
Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.
There was once a jolly happy mountain that offered fantastic advice to a grumpy hill. "Change your altitude", he said!
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