What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
What problem did the young bat experience?
The hangout.
I was going to tell a joke about the natural disaster in the Indian Ocean
But it was too Tsunami.
How does an otter get into an honest business? Usually through the skylight.
Why was the parrot in prison? Because it was a jail-bird.
Don't fork-get your manners.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
What do you call a baby tree struck by lightning?
A zapling.
What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.
Someone stole my lawn gnome that was under my porch!
Who would stoop so low?
I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
There's snow place like the mountains in winter.
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!
When you cross a wolf and a monkey, you end up with a howler monkey.
How does a Pegasus ask her boyfriend to propose?
She says “You’ve got to put a wing on it.”
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frost bite.
What happened when the bat swallowed the alarm-clock?
She turned into a ding-bat.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
In my friend's house, I saw an onion ring. So, I picked it up and answered it.
There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard and taking poops on my flower bed.
His dog is not as bad.
What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
What did the giant octopus say to the pirate ship?
- What’s Kraken?
Be careful this Easter
There is a lot of basket cases out there.
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
How can you tell if a car is from Switzerland?
It remains in neutral.
Blue jeans are immortal. They never die, they just fade away!
What you call the Ghost of a Chicken? Poultry-geist.
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
Once I told a joke about mosquitos...
It was malarious.
What do you call a martial arts expert in a tree?
Bruce Leaf.
What does an owl need after having a bath?
A t-owl.
What do you call a zombie driving a Ferrari?
A zoombie.
Tennis matches and strawberry jam have one thing in common. Cons-serve.
what do you call it when a lady mammal that enjoys swimming a lot, who has an unattractive twin sister, fires a gun at one of her gym buddies who also happens to work with clay as their profession?
hotter water otter daughter shot her potter spotter
Doctor Doctor I've broken my arm in four places.
Docter: Well stop going to those 4 places then!
What is a skeleton’s favorite type of film to watch?
A spine-tingler.
He knew literally everything about the constellations. Some might even say that his knowledge of the night sky was astronomical.
Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.
What animal could Noah not trust?
Cheetah
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
I have so many Easter puns, it’s not even bunny.
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