What does a Clydesdale say when you offer them a carrot?
“Of course, my horse.”
The public investigated a box full of crows because it was a murder case.
What should you give a deer when it gets stomachache?
Elk-a-seltzer.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!
What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?
Bone china.
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
Why do bananas like to use sunscreen?
Because they peel!
Why don't baseball players join unions?
They don't like to be called out on strike.
Why does your laptop have a blanket on it?
It's on sleep mode.
Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.
How do you know if it’s too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.
Why was the piano laughing?
Because I was tickling his ivories
No body has ever won a skeleton race.
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
If I made werewolf puns, they would be howl-arious.
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy.
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
The unluckiest berry in the group is the one that drew the short straw-berry.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
My wife said the stretch marks on her legs looked like lightning bolts...
So I said, that's because you have thunder thighs.
Why did I start making a cherry pie? Bake-cause I love it.
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
How do whales make a decision?
They flipper coin.
You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
What did the broken hearted skeleton say?
After all to-marrow is another day.
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.
Who’s your paddy?
Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
Q. What do you call a gorilla who studies large primates and has great grades?
A. Ape lust student.
What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits.
"Will you accept this rosé?"
What's green with red spots?
A frog with the chicken pox.
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
It'll become apparent.
What's a werewolf healed from Lycanthropy?
Over the moon.
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