Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.
Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
Can I Alp you?
Don’t be a wet noodle – join us!
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
What animal has more lives than a cat? A frog … because he croaks every night!
You might be able to use a smuggled cell phone in prison.
You just have to have cell coverage.
What do you call an indoor plant?
An intro-vert
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
Q: What is a peach’s favorite book?
A: War and Peach
I find you very a-peeling.
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
Lambo.
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
Are you squiding me right now?
How did the calf’s final exam turn out?
Grade A.
What do you call a serial killer watermelon? A slaughter melon.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
How do ghosts stay fit? By exorcising daily.
What do you call the dandruff found on unicorn manes? Horn flakes.
I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.
It was touch and go from there on.
Why didn’t the koala bear get the job? He was underkoalafied. How did he fix this? By going back to koalage.
I got a valentine from a pickle today...
It meant a great dill to me.
What do you get from a dwarf cow?
Condensed milk.
I like bowling.
Seriously, it’s right up my alley.
How do fish go into business?
The start on a small scale.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired?
Because he couldn't keep his calves together!
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
One trick peony.
When alligators need energy, they just slug down some gator-ade.
When doesn’t a bull have horns?
When it’s a bullfrog.
Q. What did the Aussie zookeeper say to the gorilla who was spying on him?
A. There's no need to pry, mate.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
What does the sun drink out of?
Sunglasses!
Which hot drinks space people like? Gravi-tea.
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
I heard the local flasher was due to retire.
But hes decided to stick it out for another year.
What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!
What do apres-ski participants in white-out blizzard conditions eat for lunch?
Icebergers. BRR!
What’s the difference between a healthy rabbit and an odd rabbit? One is a fit bunny, and the other’s a bit funny!
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