Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
I love making new friends.
That’s why I studied under Dr. Frankenstein.
I said some stubtly racist stuff to a magpie
She was a victim of my crow aggressions.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.
They were Basking Robins.
The peach started acting all funny because it was really fuzzy.
What do you get if you cross a lemon with a dinosaur
Tyrannosourest Rex.
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
I'm snow bored.
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!
Why are burgers bad at telling jokes? Because they all are cheesy.
What happened when the pun misbehaved in school?
He was pun-alized with detention!
Why was Mozart a child prodigy?
All his early pieces were in A sharp minor.
I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.
Do you want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind it's too cheesy.
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops.
Did you hear about the Irish potato that immigrated?
He became a French fry.
Why did the witch fall off her broom mid-flight?
She had a fainting spell!
What kind of bread do elves use to make sandwiches?
Why shortbread of course!
What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”
Never believe minotaurs...
Half of everything they say is bull.
Where do Astronauts go to the bathroom?
Where no one has gone before.
Q. Which kind of ape enjoys smoking tobaco?
A. Cigarilla.
What do you call a big Irish spider?
A Paddy long legs.
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
"Have an egg-cellent Easter."
What’s a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai.
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
When you meet someone, you don't want to get off to a bad art!
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
Do you know about April 1st?
Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!
"I'd like to make a toast!", said the bread to the bride on her wedding day.
Why do Ghosts make such good company? They are full of spirit.
Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
Because he was sitting on the deck.
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog legs?
No, I always walk this way.
What type of pool do mechanics like best?
The car pool!
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.
Go to BabaMail
