All you need is a little vitamin sea.

My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."

You can't ever get the attention of a vampire on Halloween. They're way too busy looking for their necks victim.

How did the horse break into the mainframe?
It was a hack.

A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.


The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."

Does your computer constantly and annoyingly have tons of updates to install?
Of course it does. Software needs to get better over a number of years and you can't rush the progress.

Chrome wasn't built in a day.

How about the most dangerous mountain in the world? Kill-a-man-jaro.

I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues

A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died.

She is sadly mist.

What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops.

What happens before it rains candy? It sprinkles.

Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”

Winter is here, weather you like it or not.

Why did the computer wear glasses?
To improve its web sight.

What do sloths make when it snows? Slow Angels.

Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.

What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.

What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.

What do you get when a dinosaur walks through the strawberry patch? Strawberry jam.

What do you call an ant running away with another ant?
Ant-elope.

Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it

What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.

Two friends were hanging out. One asks the other: "Hey, do you know about the famous detective that can't do bowel movements?"
The other friend replies: "No sh** Sherlock, of course I do!"

Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.

What do you call an everyday potato? A commentater!

What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.

Sometimes you have to green and bear it.

What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.

What did the arirst say to his friend who was stressed? Don't worry, paintbrush it off.

What did the mother bread tell her baby roll? You really are the apple of my rye.

What do you call a pickle lullaby?
A cucumber slumber number.

My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.

What do you get when you cross a ghoul with an owl?
Something that scares people and doesn’t give a hoot!

Dud you know Astronauts said steaks are better in space?
They're a little meteor.

I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.

If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do?
It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.

People need to be careful about computers at all times because they byte.

What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig?
Bacon and legs.

What do you call someone that's hungry for some cuddles?
Hugry.

What did the deer say when her crush told her a joke?
“You are doe funny!”

What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!

I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.

It’s too bad that bread puns are always so crumby. Mmm . . . crumbs.

The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.

Have you ever played quiet tennis?
It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.

Q. How do you describe a stinking filthy buck?
A. Deer-ty.

Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.

Once I told a joke about mosquitos...
It was malarious.

What do you call it when a panda eats all of your tall grass?
Bamboozled!

Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic