I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.
I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.
When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.
I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.
How can you tell that the ocean is friendly? It waves!
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren
Why was the cabinet maker fired on his first day?
He just couldn't get a handle on it.
Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?
Because he knew there was something fishy about it.
Why doesn’t the sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees!
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.
Strawberries are considered to be the most bullied fruits because they're always getting picked on.
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
What sound does a Greek cow make?
"μ"
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
Why can’t minerals ever lie? They’re always in their pure form.
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
What do a tree and a bog dog have in common?
They both have a lot of bark.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
A vampire broke up with his girlfriend when she had a blood test. He told her she wasn't his type.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle?
“An Orange County Chopper.”
Did you hear about the kid that ate a whole pack of candy worms?
It’s a sour tale!
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
How did the struggling leaf get the job? He got the right qua-leaf-ications.
My son was injected with poisoned blood from a person from Finland
He said "I am finnished."
How do eggs get around?
On a s-egg-way.
Why was the cow always exercising? To build up its moo-scles
What is a snowman’s favorite type of burger? A chilli cheese burger with iceberg lettuce.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped in gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.
Live to tell the tail.
What do you call a cold werewolf?
A chilli dog.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python? A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death.
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
What’s yellow and swings from cake to cake?
Tarzipan.
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
As one black bug, bled blue, black blood. The other black bug bled blue.
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