This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
What type of music should you play at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Sham-rock!
When the husband of the queen gets back to his palace after climbing the mountain, the queen says "Hi, King!"
I just saw a huge killer fish singing and playing guitar in the city center.
I think it must be a busking shark.
Did you hear about the rundown swimming pool?
It was a real dive!
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
You mermaid to go far.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
Why can’t a Christmas tree sew? It keeps dropping its needles.
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.
Did you hear about the lowest grade of steak? It's where the rubber meats the road.
What did the orange say to the lemon?
"'yello!"
I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.
What type of elements know everybody on earth?
Met-all.
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
What does an evil penguin lay?
Deviled eggs.
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
How do you make a telephone in the jungle?
With toucans and a piece of string.
What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.
“A mistle-toast to the holiday season.”
How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.
Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
Fry-Day.
Two trucks – one carrying strawberries and one carrying sugar – crashed. Drivers didn’t stop, and now the jam is getting thicker.
What did the witch say to people who visited her house?
Come sit for a spell!
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight?
All of those sleepless knights.
I've finally started to believe that Pluto is not really a planet...
Especially when I saw him in a cartoon.
How do you spot a car made by Apple?
It does not have Windows.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
I was at a thrift store and the guy ahead of me was purchasing an antique urn made in Greece
He asked the cashier if she knew how much a Greek urns.
Why was the skeleton scared of the baby?
Because he was an ankle biter.
What’s black and white with red spots?
A panda with the measles.
What did Peter Pan call Tinkerbell when she corrected his spelling?
A Diction Fairy.
What do you call a monkey who can’t keep a secret?
A blab-boon.
What's a hen's favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
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