Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.
Why couldn’t the dog say, “Ahhh”?
Because the cat got his tongue.
What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
Have you read the book about hands? It’s a real page turner.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
It is October and there are still leaves on trees. I am very corn-fused!
I scored when I met you.
You’re so beautiful, I can heartly believe my eyes.
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
You have a pizza my heart.
What do beavers like to put on their salads?
Branch dressing.
What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O’Furniture.
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.
What is the tree’s least favorite month of the year? SepTIMBERRRR.
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua.
I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.
I made a huge splash.
How does Bigfoot clear his sinuses?
With a yeti pot.
What’s another popular Christmas song that baby koalas like to sing? “Joey to the World”, of course!
I red a joke about colors once.
It blue my mind.
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
eople say they never get hungry at the beach
That’s because there’s sand, which is everywhere.
Why did the sapling jump in the ocean? He wanted to swim with the manatrees.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.
Which is a Ghost’s favourite cheese? Ghoul-da Cheese.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked.
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!
Q. What did the bully do to the orange?
A. Beat him to a pulp.
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
"Have an egg-cellent Easter."
Have you heard of the martial artists who fought on the beach?
They faced off in sand-to-sand combat.
I’m never board when I’m at the pool.
If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?
What did the banana say to the monkey?
Nothing, bananas don’t talk.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
What is the definition of a slug? A snail with a housing problem!
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
I like you, you croc my world.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
Have you heard about the restaurant that caters exclusively to dolphins?
It only has one customer, but at least it serves a porpoise.
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.
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