Flamingos are known by a different name when they dress up to go out – they call themselves glamingos.
A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”
How does a car tell you to get out?
‘Get out, or I shall give you the boot.’
What’s the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles because there’s a mile between each s.
Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors, it's always the first to rose and shine.
What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? Rep Tiles
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
Did you hear the joke about the donut? Probably not, it was crummy!
Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?
Because the grass tickles their armpits.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
If you make a mistake of playing basketball with pigs, they will hog the ball.
What is a mouse’s favorite game?
Hide and squeak!
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews
I’ve never understood fog machines.
They mystify me to this day.
In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control.
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrushes throat.
Have you heard about the guys who stole a truck full of broccoli and cauliflower? They had to really floret to get away.
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
Why are Dalmatians so bad at hiding?
Because they are always spotted.
All you need is a little vitamin sea.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite game, it's peach ball.
I use a crow to wake me up in the morning.
There’s caws for alarm.
Son: I was really Hungary and I ate the whole Turkey. There is only Greece left.
Me: I couldn’t Bolivia!
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
Why did Larry the lizard leave his lover longing?
he had ... a reptile dysfunction
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
If man’s bet friend is a dog, would a unicorns best friend be a corn dog?
What would a tiger running a Xerox machine in the back of a store be called? A copycat.
Scrambled eggs are similar to a losing basketball team because both are beaten.
A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature, are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'm a gnome."
How many lips does a flower have?
Tulips.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement
What’s a horse’s favorite dinosaur?
The broncosaurus.
Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
[Chips] This is what I call a chip shot.
I like bowling.
Seriously, it’s right up my alley.
What is it called when an IT person gets surgery on their fingers?
Tech knuckle support.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
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