Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...
they've been found to copulate with corpses.
NeCROWphilia.
Gobbling gorgoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
When you cross an orange and a bunny, you will end up with a pip squeak.
Q. Why are big gorilla turds always so stinking tired?
A. Because they're all pooped out!
What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?
I don't like clouds. They're always throwing shade.
What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
There are good and bad times to buy a flamingo. Bad times are when they’re expensive, the best times are when they’re cheep.
Why are kangaroos so qualified to be teachers?
Because they’re kan-gurus.
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
How is the submarine doing at school?
It's below c-level
Vasco de Balboa told the Queen of Spain, “I discovered a large body of water on my journey.”
She said, “Could you be a little more pacific?”
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
What did the pig say on a hot summer’s day?
I’m bacon!
What do you call a dog who can fight?
A Boxer.
What do you call a cold crocodile in winter? A refrigerator.
What kind of dog did Frankenstein want for Christmas?
A lab.
Knock Knock.
Who’s there? Donut. Donut who? Donut ask, it’s a secret!
What's brown, lumpy, and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's Last Movement
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
Burst into cheers!
When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf.
What do you call an overly cautious cup of tea?
Uncertaintea.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
Why did the T-Rex get a ticket? He ran through the stomp sign.
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
Wholey-grain! You really bread my mind!
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.
I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.
Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date
I tried asking some beavers to help me build my house. They didn’t give a dam.
What's a Koalas favorite drink? Coca Koala!
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail and it will be de-lighted.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!
I bought a wig for a dollar...
It was a small price toupee.
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
Why is the ocean always on time?
She likes to stay current.
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