What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
Went camping last night. It was in-tents.
What do you call an English rock band playing in the mist? Foghat.
Why should you make a cherry pie for someone that you miss? Because absence bakes the heart grow fonder.
What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
When the bread started crying because it was toast, the loaf told him, "You deserve butter."
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
A man went to the gym today and met up with his new personal rainer.
What dog does Dracula own?
A blood-hound.
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
It's tough to tell if the sky is ever happy or not. It always looks so blue!
What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
I'm the pun King of Halloween.
What do frogs drink?
Croak-a-cola.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area.
What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea? Denis.
When the husband of the queen gets back to his palace after climbing the mountain, the queen says "Hi, King!"
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.
The ghost was told off when he spook out of turn.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
I used to store motivational quotes that I found online, onto the cloud, for whenever I needed some inspiration.
Unfortunately I forgot the password for my Google account.
I have no Drive.
What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
What did the grape say when the bat squished on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
Why does every watermelon want to be in the Guinness book of records? Because there’s a lot of watermelon smashing to be done.
Let’s shell-ebrate good times and tan lines.
What makes your mouth sad?
A tongue depressor.
How can you tell if there's a dinosaur in the refrigerator ? The door won't close!
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
A cued peach visual communication system is used with people suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.
What is a cat’s favorite horror movie? The Purrrge!
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
Halloween was nearly over, and the zombie was hurrying to get back to her tomb before the sun came up.
She was rushing so much, she didn't even notice the headstone was the wrong shape before she got in. It was a grave mistake.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission.
I for one
is something you might do if you had a broken keyboard
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
Do you find bone puns humerus?
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
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