Who’s a llama’s favorite composer?
Wolfgang Llamadeus Mozart.
I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.
Which birds are good at holding things together?
Velcrows.
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
My friend’s parrot lost his beak in a fan accident and he wanted to find a prosthetic. I sent him to my Uncle Tony.
He fits the bill.
The big black bug bit the big black bear,
but the big black bear bit the big black bug back!
What do elves eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes!
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
..... oof !!
My son's asked for a strange Christmas present this year. It's really cheap though so I don't mind.
I'm not sure why he wants an eggs box though.
Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors, it's always the first to rose and shine.
How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
My landlord asked me out on a date.
He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas
When my daughter said she saw some chubby unicorns at the zoo, I couldn’t believe it. But it turns out it was just rhinos.
What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
A man named Martin Draw was campaigning for the Senate. He printed up shirts saying “I’m with Draw” to support his campaign. The next day, he wore the shirt to a tennis tournament. When he walked up to the tournament desk, the director handed him his money back and asked him why he couldn’t play.
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
What tree monster prowls the forest?
Frankenpine.
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.
What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms and no legs? Bob.
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A hare dryer!
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes? Out of the way!
Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum? Because they can't afford new ones!
Say this aloud: Eye Yam Stew Peed
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from lawns. I was raking it in.
If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and leave, it could spell disaster.
What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.
What’s the difference between a lion and a tiger?
A tiger always tells the truth, the other one is always lie-on.
Digital burgers are nothing but processed meat.
What did the girl say when she got a fake call? "I think that call was phoney".
My computer's favorite singer is A Dell.
You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.
How can you tell a wine taster is a newbie?
By the blanc look on her face.
My friends and I are in search of some fresh vegetables puns.
Please lettuce know if you find any.
Where did the duck go when he was sick? A:
To the ducktor.
Long time no sea.
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette?
“They call it “Nico-tang”
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
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