My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
What do you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers
“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”
If athletes can get “Athletes foot”, what can astronauts get? Missile Toe.
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.
Bee warned.
Bee puns really sting.
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
What is a werewolf’s favorite drink?
Moonshine.
Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.
What is a cow’s favorite lunch meat?
Bullogna.
Why do owls shower so often?
So they don’t smell fowl.
If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and leave, it could spell disaster.
Prepare to be bowled over.
Why are fish so smart Because they swim in schools!
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.
What cartoon do horses like to watch?
Whinny the Pooh.
Iron Man's favourite Xmas gifts this year were socks that fire from his feet.
He called them missile toes.
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
Puns make me numb, but math puns make me...
Number.
"Partners in wine."
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
Are you an alien? Because I believe you’ve abducted my heart.
Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.
What do you call a grizzly bear who gets caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
Just look, it’s the Trifle Tower
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
Why do girl ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
Which type of whale can fly?
Pilot whales.
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
What did the flower say to his wife when he brought her home a present?
I hope thistle cheer you up.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
What sound does a llama’s doorbell make?
Llama llama ding dong.
When you finish the lemons that life gives you;
Sublime.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s see salt.
A man fell into a vat of varnish and died
He had a terrible end but a lovely finish.
What do you call a three-eyed tiger?
A tiiiger.
All stereos are so typical.
Why are they called tacos?
They don’t say much.
How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm? it has a blue light.
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
What type of trunks do foresters wear to the swimming pool?
Tree trunks!
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word “the” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...
"Your los."
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