Would you call a guy who’s eating corn while riding a unicycle a unicorn on the cob?
I was throwing oranges at tropical birds. One of them caught one then said: “Toucan play that game”
What happened when the artist tried to draw a cube? He suffered from a mental block.
Why can't the zombie get a job?
They all want someone more lively.
How do blondes define hydrophobic on their school tests? A fear of utility bills.
Dad: Years ago I had the opportunity to meet R.E.M., and we even took a picture together with my buddies.
Son: Where are you in the photo?
Dad: That's me in the corner.
My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!
What happens if you cross a hairdresser and a werewolf?
A creature with an all over perm!
What kind of music group only makes songs for exercise programs?
A sweatband.
What did the fruit lover say after he met a girl?
I’ve got a date
Do you find bone puns humerus?
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
What’s a mouse favourite family sitcom?
Full Mouse.
My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.
A new bakery in town began ding extremely well. They said that business was definitely on the rise.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
What did the crow said when it saw a car coming? Cawr.
What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”
"Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me."
I saw a movie about a pig with no eyes.
It was PG.
"What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?" "I want you inside me!"
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
What happened when the kid got confused with beavers and coypus in the exam? He said, " I otter know better."
I like big books and I cannot lie.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
Fake ramen noodles are also called the impasta.
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
What did the deer say to her friend when she needed assistance?
“Could you doe me a favour?”
A chemist plants a seed.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
How do shellfish get to the hospital?
In a clambulance!
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
National Herbs and Spices Day is celebrated annually on June 10.
What do llamas say when you tell them something obvious?
“No spit, Sherlock.”
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
Why are Christmas trees so clean? They know how to spruce things up.
Building a good makeup design always starts with a good foundation.
What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.
Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
People always talk about the 'Eye Of The Tiger'. No one talks about the other four letters.
Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"
Go to BabaMail
