What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.
How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
I used to adventure with a gnome, but he gave it up so he could focus on writing under a pseudonym. He became a gnome-de-plume…
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty-second pause, I asked, "You still there, sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now"
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
Q. Why was the blonde disappointed after her visit to an apiary?
A. There weren't any gorillas there. DUH!
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff,
Ba-dum-tss
What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.
I was in shambles.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
I went into a pet shop and said: "I would like a pet parrot for my daughter."
Confused, the owner replied: "Sorry, we don't do swaps."
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
“My plop is bigger than your plop.”
Would you call a hardy unicorn that survived disease an immunicorn?
Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
What always succeeds? A toothless parrot! (sucks seeds)
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
What is ice cream’s favorite TV show?
Game of Cones.
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw!
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
Who is the superhero who loves to have soup all the time? Souper-man.
As it snow happens.
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
I hate windy weather. It really blows.
Why can’t minerals ever lie? They’re always in their pure form.
What do you call a Mexican unicorn? Junicorn.
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
Why did the chicken go to KFC?
He wanted to see a chicken strip.
What happens if an owl doesn't wash?
It smells fowl.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
What did the beaver mention to a tree? It has been nice gnawing you.
What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.
Your good seed for the day.
What do you call an elf who won’t share?
Elfish.
France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...
That was classic Colognialism.
What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.
There was a fire at the yodeling school. Everyone was asked to exit in an orderly orderly orderly manner.
Wanna hear a joke about a staccato?
Never mind, it’s too short.
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