Love's a feeling you feel when you feel
you're going to feel the feeling you've never felt before.
You have a pizza my heart.
I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
Q. Which Greek eggplant dish do deer really eat up?
A. Moose-aka.
Do you know the hardest part about making skimmed milk? Having to throw the cows across the lake.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
Because they dropped out of the school.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
What did the woman say when she escaped Dracula’s clutches?
- Better luck necks time!
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
Why did the ghost decide to become a vegan?
Because it's super natural.
Why wasn’t the dog a smooth talker?
Because he couldn’t stop saying “ruff ruff”.
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane chocolate
A photon turns up at check-in for a flight with no baggage. The check-in agent says "Traveling light?". He says "Yes, I am".
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
What does a mermaid say when she was leaving the party?
- Sea ya later.
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.
What side does the zebra have the most stripes on?
The outside.
What does a funeral home hair stylist handle on a daily basis?
A brush with death
What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted
I'm training to be an anesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"
He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
Are you a 90 degree angle? Because this feels just right.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
What is the hardest part about being a tree? You have so many limbs, but you still can’t walk.
What did the eyewitness tell the cops after a computer robbed a bank?
It went data way!
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.
It wasn't 2b.
What do you get if you cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle neck jumper.
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
I have faith in Pfizer and its Covid vaccine, because they also make Viagra.
If Pfizer can raise the dead, it can save the living.
I love you a tot!
Can’t pinch this.
What is the difference between Barry Zito and bowling icon Walter Ray Williams, Jr.?
Walter Ray Williams, Jr. knows how to throw a strike.
What do pigs drive? Pigup trucks.
I cannoli be happy
Did you hear about the gnome cop?
He works in lawn enforcement.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you! and I want the whole world to know it.
Feeling my shelf.
Why are fish so smart?
They are always in schools!
"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
Have you ever seen a catfish? No, how did he hold the rod and reel?
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