Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener
My dad just told me something that sent a chill down my spine.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
What happens when you play tug-of-war with a pug?
Pulled pork!
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
Who wrote the book "Great Egg-spectations"?
Charles Chickens.
How do you catch a squirrel who's interested in ornithology?
Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch.
I'm reading a horror story in Braille and something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it.
We have great chemis-tree.
How could the skeleton tell that rain was coming?
He could feel it in his bones.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.
What are Astronauts doing when they do a mistake?
They Apollogize
The weatherman said it might get a bit drizzly outside.
You can expect a Lil’ Wayne.
If you encounter a sea monster, you better get Kraken!
What did the rainbow say to the other rainbow? Nothing, it was feeling blue.
What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
I wondered why flamingos were so strong, so I did a little research. Turns out they do a lot of eggs-er-cise.
If a four-legged animal a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, what’s a tiger?
Stri-ped.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
In North Korea, you can not throw fruits in the snow as they don't have the right to freeze peach
What do you get when someone stares coldly at you?
Glare ice.
What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hot dog and a Fenway Park hot dog? You can buy a Yankee Stadium hot dog in October.
A student made our teacher so angry, they flipped their desk
Oh, the tables have turned
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot…
I don’t know how you sleep at night.
How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
Did you hear about the cheese lover who took his girlfriend for granted?
How dairy.
What is the car dealership in Star Wars called?
The Mazda-lorian
What kind of cheese is really good at guitar?
Shreddar.
Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
He would only do the bear minimum.
Why did the toddler chew on pebbles? He wanted to eat rock candy.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
People who fall sick at the airport possibly end up with terminal illness.
What does the father deer say to the mother deer to show his love?
“I love you deerly!”
"I'm eggs-hausted."
What steps do you take when you see a tiger running towards you? Big ones!
Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".
Irish I had another Guinness to drink.
How do you know it’s cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get
chocolate ice cream.
What does a ghost wear when it’s raining outside?
Boooooooooooots.
What did the flower say to his wife when he brought her home a present?
I hope thistle cheer you up.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
A hippie when his opponent disputes his calls: That’s pretty far-out, man!
What do you call a fascist mosquito?
Benito Mosquitollini.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
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