I'm starting a music group that performs Classical Greek music.
I'm calling it Oedipal Arrangements.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.
Why did the donut go to the doctor?
He was feeling crumby.
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
Irish food is legen-dairy.
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
Who is a potato’s favorite author? Edgar Allen Poe-tato.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
Picking your favorite snack can be like picking the slowest turtle in the pack.
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
When the chef asked which ingredients were missing in the signature dish, someone said quickly, ‘u-need-corn’.
Where do cats go when they lose their tail? A re-tail store!
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.
Can an Australian with poor vision clearly see the moon?
No, but a "good eye might."
What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
Why did the rabbit like the adventure? It was a “hare-raising tail.”
Q: What video games do fruits play?
A: Peach ball.
Young Billy had to mail a loaf of bread at the toast office today.
Why don’t bears eat fast food?
Because it’s hard for them to catch.
What do bony people use to get into their homes?
A skeleton key.
Why was Mozart a child prodigy?
All his early pieces were in A sharp minor.
The next person that asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade, and a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a “punch.
What do you do if you get attacked by a killer clowns?
Go for the jugular.
You know, people say they pick their nose,
but I feel like I just was born with mine.
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
I call the shots.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
I'm giving away my legless parrot, no perches necessary!
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
What's brown, lumpy, and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's Last Movement
What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments.
An orca-stra.
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
Which side of a koala bear has the most fur? The outside!
Why do wine lovers guzzle down vine humor?
Because wine jokes are a barrel of laughs.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher that got killed by her students?
She couldn’t control her pupils.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
Which rangy centre could cover the whole ice? Jean Umbrelliveau.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
Did you hear the one about the watermelon pirate who went to the Caribbean? Must have desperately wanted to catch some arrgh and arrgh.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
What do you call an ant that moves to another country?
An emigr-ant.
Why is it always quiet in the forest? Because all of the trees sleep like a dog.
When alligators need energy, they just slug down some gator-ade.
The Montreal baseball team relocated to Tampa after being purchased by the
Exposito bros.
What did the deer say to his funny friend? You’re deer-larious!
Which dinosaurs were the best policemen? Tricera-cops.
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