Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
What kind of bread do elves use to make sandwiches?
Why shortbread of course!
How do mountains hear?
with mountaineers.
Keep Your Friends Close, Your Utility Keys Closer.
Which side of a koala bear has the most fur? The outside!
What do you get when a duck bends over?
It’s Buttquack
How do hot dogs greet each other? They say “give me some skin!”
What are police cars made of?
Copper
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
What type of weapon can you make with potassium, iron and nickel? A KniFe.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
Why did DPD rush to Coors Field?
They heard somebody stole third base.
Why can't chefs play baseball? They always get caught trying to steal a basil.
Why don’t dolphins play basketball?
Because they’re afraid of the net!
How rare is an excellent father?
Legen-daddy
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
Where do you most often find onions having a drink? In the salad bar.
Calm before the score
I have bean
thinking about you.
What do you call a SWAT team of alligators?
Gator-raid.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
I have to spill my guts, I love Halloween!
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle!
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
What is a zombie’s favorite shampoo?
Head & Shoulders.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
What kind of keys do kids like to carry? Cookies!
Round and round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran.
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.
Have you ever heard of Pavlov’s dog?
Yeah, he rings a bell
Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?
All that’s left is da brie.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.
"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
After a long March, April always puts a little spring in my step.
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!
What do you get when you mix a sheep and a kangaroo
A wooly jumper
I think you're mer-mazing.
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
What did ketchup say while spotting his friend at the gym?
Mustard all of your strength!
What happens when you cross an iron with a telephone? You get a smooth signal.
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
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