A friend went in to his garden, dug a hole in the grass and filled it with water. I think he meant well.
I was gonna make a joke about Mediterranean food...
But hummus have missed the mark, and now I falafel.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Ears.
Ears who?
Ears one more beaver joke for you.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
How did the hammerhead do on his test?
He nailed it.
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.
What did the cat say when he ate the clownfish? This tastes a little funny!
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
How does the cell phone call his girlfriend on Valentine's Day? He gives her a ring.
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
Have you heard about the new band located in the north east of england?
They're called Durham Durham.
What do you call two male avocados who hang out and drink together?
Avocabros.
Q. How do the doe and stag open the entry to their vacation cabin in the woods?
A. They just turn the deer knob.
I made Chinese for Easter dinner
If I had made Japanese it would have been Eastest Dinner.
Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house.
But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into.
My dad always said the secret to theatre was to always leave them wanting more.
He was a great guy but a terrible anaesthetist.
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!
Somehow they knew I wanted champagne. It was chilling.
Doctor Doctor I've broken my arm in four places.
Docter: Well stop going to those 4 places then!
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None because it's a hardware issue.
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
Today isn’t the day to be making jokes about the weather.
It’s snow joke.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite type of music?
R n’ Brie.
What does a triangle palm like to study in school? Trigonometree.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
What do the astronauts put on their lunch toast? Space jam.
What’s the freshest herb you can find in April?
Spring-thyme!
A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.
What did the waitress say to the customer who wanted free guacamole?
“You can kiss my Hass.“
What do you call a bully on Halloween? A jerk-o-lantern.
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?
It was icing on the cake.
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.
What do you call corn with red, white and blue kernels?
Americorn.
If dolphins lived on land, which country would they live in?
Finland!
What do you call fifty-five gnomes in the mouth of a kraken?
A good start.
You're about half as likely to die from a vegetable pun as you artichoke.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
What do you call a bee that lives in a mud hive?
An adobee!
Many basketball players fail their tests in school because they do not want to pass.
How do you make a rabbit float? Put soda, syrup, and milk into a glass. Add one rabbit.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
Skiing is believing!
When a planet dies, does it get an orbituary?
Why are bad knitters and Christmas trees alike? They both drop their needles.
Everyone wondered why Cinderella was such a bad player. If only they knew, her coach was a pumpkin.
Q: Why was the cloud so dark and stormy?
A: It was feeling mis-thunder-stood.
What do you call water that is good for you?
Well water.
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