What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
What does a koala do before making any kind of appointment? He always checks his koalander.
“Look out for Santa Paws!”
Taco Bell overcooked my food
I asked for a brrrr-ito and an en-chill-ata.
What do you call cheese that is acting crazy? A basket queso.
"Have an egg-cellent Easter."
Why was the computer late to work? Because it had a hard drive!
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
What do chickens call school tests?
Eggs-aminations.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
The art teacher encourages her students to move in the light direction.
You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
Frankenstein's monster and the bride of Frankenstein sit down for dinner
Bride: How come you never help with the dinner
Frankenstein: I did
Bride: How?
Frankenstein: I did the mash...
Bride: Don't you dare
I find you very a-peeling.
What did the llama say to the grass?
“Nice gnawing you!”
What keeps the beat in a baseball song?
The bass line.
Why did the bunny build herself a new house? She was fed up with the hole thing!
Are you a 30 degree angle? Because you're acute-y.
What kind of horse would Bilbo Baggins ride?
A shire.
What do you call a fruit that is rough around the edges? A bad apple.
If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.
Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends and family?
She got involved with Alderaan people.
What is the difference between a cow that produces normal milk and a cow that produces chocolate milk?
A mootation
Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
In order to get an accurate count of the herd, the farmer uses a cow-culator.
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
What did bacon say to tomato? Lettuce get together.
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
What is a cat’s favorite deal? Buy one, get one furry.
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
Why did the fish cross the road?
The chicken had the days off!
Q: What do you call a gust of wind full of sand?
A: A rough draft
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
What does the sun drink out of?
Sunglasses!
What do you call a bunch of zombie chickens?
The Bu-gawking Dead
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets!
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
Which monster did the three bears catch sleeping?
Ghouldilocks!
What happened when a clumsy sommelier tried to decant a bottle of fine wine?
Things went pour-ably wrong.
What do you call a Greek philosopher who loves rice?
Arisotto.
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