My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
Why is their ship called 3.14?
Because they are π-rates.
What cheese cries the most?
Babybel.
Why does James Bond Have grey hair?
Because there's no time to dye!
“Did you know that Father Christmas has a daughter? Her name is Mary Christmas.”
What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
What shape is a kiss?
A-lip-tickle.
What do you give a panda when it is sick?
Pandadol.
Some say that puns aren't very funny, while others take them very seriously...
I guess the one thing we can all agree on is that puns are no joke.
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.
What do you call a really cold, young werewolf?
A pupsicle.
Where is the best place to get camel milk?
Straight from the Dromedairy.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
What did the insulted orange say to the kiwi? Ex-squeeze-me?
There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though - she woke up.
What is the best thing to do if you notice a gorilla is sitting at your desk?
Find another place to sit.
This guy walks into the doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
Up to snow good.
What’s the best way to catch unicorns? Simple, by herding them all to one corner.
A peach biologist was looking for a peach-tree-dish for his upcoming experiment.
We got the news of a coming flood today. The news was leaked.
I'm investigating the tooth fairy, and it's going well...
I've managed to get a molar into her operation. I'm going to find out the tooth at the root of all this.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
Q: Why was the cherry by himself?
A: Because the banana split.
How did the astronaut die?
exposure to Mercury.
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
French people give me the crepes.
Dancing Queen used to have a lot of profanity in its lyrics, but after computers became common
No-one needed an ABBA cuss
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?
It’s always so pumped for you.
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
My Wifi password is "writtenontherouter"
And I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it's literally "writtenontherouter".
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
How many grams of protein are there in that slice of chocolate pie? 3.14159265.
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens
The navy is now taking dogs along on their submarines
They're subwoofers
What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.
The bread actor was sad because he lost a juicy roll.
RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
Why don’t werewolf make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
What does someone mean by a light year? The same as a regular year, but with less calories and fat.
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