You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
Whatever coats your boat.
What’s black and white with red spots?
A panda with the measles.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
Why did the owl join Tinder?
He didn’t want to be owl by himself.
What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
Why are big boats called "Yachts"?
Because they cost "Yachts of money".
What did the magician say to the fisherman?
"Pick a cod, any cod."
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
My dad works in a steel plant.
He says it's very riveting.
Q: Why did the wind turbine blush?
A. It broke wind.
Did you know there’s an app for corn growers?
It’s made in Sili-corn Valley!
Where do gorillas go to after work?
The monkey bars.
Q. What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.
What is the angriest place on Earth?
Ire-land
What's an owl's favorite rock band?
The Who
When is the course too wet to play golf?
When your golf cart capsizes.
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
If I were to wander around in Italy...
Would I be roamin'?
Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
What kind of music do sophisticated frogs listen to?
Hopera.
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
Don’t come to France without any Monet.
How do you catch a unique bunny? Unique up on it.
The worst part about being a giraffe…
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
This Valentine's day, I decided to pay extra and buy flowers that look after themselves.
They are Self Raising.
Eye drops are technically blinker fluid.
What happened when Dr. Frankenstein swallowed some uranium?
He got atomic ache.
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it. I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore. which is understandable. The bike was already retired.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
Genoa bout the bridge collapse in Italy?
Ah well, we won't go over it then.
What did baby corn say to Mama corn?
Where's Popcorn?
A captain was barking at his crew. "What do you think is between yer ears!?"
"Eye Eye, Captain!"
How Do Ducks Talk?
They don't, you quack.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
My Wifi password is "writtenontherouter"
And I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it's literally "writtenontherouter".
What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house?
The living room.
At a meeting, Mr. Tomato asked Mr. Peach, "Can you give me the peach cobbler's number, I need to mend my shoes".
Why did the beaver cross the river? To get to the other side of the river.
Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you’re the chicken.
What do you call a person who spends a lot of time sitting and staring at potatoes? A medi-tator.
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